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eulogies in memory of real boy alfie:
24 february 2026
i remember the first day that i saw alfie at princes pier and how magical it felt from the moment i first noticed him from afar, squatting by the water and fiddling with his fishing rod. i felt connected to alfie in a way that i had never felt with anyone before, so seen and understood in a way that felt like a soul-level resonance. i didn't dare to even consider it love at the time because of my self-limiting beliefs regarding being able to be loved, but in hindsight i guess it was love at first sight. i remember that first time vividly as i walked past him and moved closer and away from him, yet i found myself drawn to his energy. this boy was just there fishing and i found myself wanting to watch him and understanding his every move. those 90-ish minutes encompassed one of the most remarkable experiences of my life, feeling two nervous systems syncing together for the first time ever without a single word said. i remember how alfie chose to walk really closely by me, like where i was sitting, and i sort of moved my leg back a little to give him some space even though i was pretending not to pay attention. this happened twice, mind you. i vividly recall how both times i did that, alfie seemed so startled, like i saw him glance towards me in a way that seemed really surprised and reflexive. it's hilarious actually, because i highly doubt he expected me to be fully aware of what he was doing, but i was aware and i still am. equally hilarious was how we had exactly one moment of eye contact as he was walking past me from the edge of the pier to his place on the bench. i still remember how i tried to distract myself from the resonance by pretending to use my phone, and facetiming my parents and my grandma, and how i left a few minutes after he did and found him standing at the entrance of the pier with his bike and walking closely past him with full awareness of his presence despite looking down at my phone. that version of myself had my world shook for the first time in a way that i never believed was possible. this boy appeared in my internal world where i had never seen anyone else before. it has been almost a full day since the passing of my kind boy, and i'm starting to memorialize the boy that i loved and severing the coward that still breathes. part of me feels like the boy i loved was being killed for 2 months now, even if i was initially unaware. i tried to save him, but i also knew that the risk was high, so i had also already pre-grieved and prepared for the gravity of his death. the human who chose to murder my boy though, he became a defining example of how not to handle a soul-level connection. thus, mr brancatella, in his current state, is a spineless, self-betraying coward who deserves none of my time or capacity. this actually lets me proceed business as usual with my daily life while loving and grieving the passing of the boy i loved. every part of me loves my sweet boy with and every part of me will remember him. the kind, sweet boy i love lives in my heart always, even if he no longer exists in the real world. my gentle boy is cared for and loved with every breath that i take and every future boy that i love. i love the boy on princes pier till the day that i die. i love you, pier boy, my first true love :).
two boys on a pier - december 2025
do you ever feel alone?
like no one understands you?
i do, all the time.
i feel alone, a lot.
do you ever hope to feel seen?
by someone who just gets you from one look?
i do, all the time.
but you saw me, didn’t you?
do you ever think it meant something?
that we noticed each other that day?
i do, i really do.
we didn’t even have to say anything, we knew.
do you ever want to relive that moment?
how we felt comfort just by noticing each other?
i do, i really do.
no boy has ever made me feel that way, no boy except you.
do you ever regret talking to me?
knowing what you know now?
no i don’t, i really don’t.
you were a kind and gentle boy, just like me.
do you ever wish we never met?
or that we had stayed apart that day?
no i don’t, i really don’t.
because you reminded me why i stayed alive.
to find my home in sweet and gentle boys,
boys just like you.
thank you, pier boy.
remember, i'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me, because i love you, real boy alfie, always <3 (spotify - harvey by alex g)
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