5 april 2026
happy easter, sweet boy,
over the past few days i've been in montreal, i've finally had the time and space to truly rest and recuperate from our separation (breakup). now that i am alone on the other side of the world, my body finally feels safe to let all of the grief and sadness out, knowing that i won't have to deal with family. i have been exploring montreal in a very chill manner, just sort of wandering about in different parts of town, observing how things are and whether i could see myself living here. as i have been moving on with my day to day life, i also realise that my body still misses your presence. that feeling almost shows up as a protest against your avoidance and cowardice, like my body demanding me to find safety and comfort again with the only boy i knew who could see me and understand me. i've been on grindr just sorta looking around but grindr here is as bleak as anywhere else (which is unshocking, given that i'm way past the stage of looking for hookups). i know that i won't find the boys i'm looking for on dating apps like grindr, but a boy can dream, y'know? i have also been observing my body and i feel like the grief being expressed almost feels like withdrawal symptoms, except instead of craving alcohol or drugs or whatever, i'm craving love, presence and safety with another boy. i find it unfair, to be painfully honest. unfair that i have to experience withdrawal symptoms because you chose to be a coward. i do my best to be self-reliant as i have seen all my life that i can't trust that my needs will be met with others. this itself is a whole can of worms that i will need to work through as well. i don't think it's fair though, that i feel like i can't have people that support me. as much as i hate to admit it, i know that i can't always provide my own needs, particularly inter-relational needs, which by definition requires more than one person. as far as i consciously know, you are the only boy i know who could have treated me in a way that actually healed me. you are the only boy i know who possessed the knowledge of how to treat me well, because i saw that you did so naturally. this makes my analysis of your following avoidance and cowardly behaviour and the unfairness it was for me all the more disappointing and heartbreaking.
fairness is an interesting word, because it is a word that can be used selflessly and selfishly. as my integrity demands, i have treated you as fairly as i could have. i know that i have been very harsh on you since you sent your dad my way, and that is because you deserved it. i think you know that too. alfie, even in my pain, anger, and grief, i have been doing my best to treat you fairly. i only attack your avoidance and cowardice, never your soul or identity. i do not diminish my love for you or your importance to me, even as i feel and express all of the hurt and anger and sadness your actions caused me. when i believe i have overstepped, such as when i called you useless in a very early version of the tombstone, i correct it and edit it out so that i don't treat you unfairly. i keep your emotions and feelings in consideration even though YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HURT ME and you were the one who didn't treat me fairly. i know you loved me, alfie, you couldn't even lie and say that you did not. yet, you still treated me like someone who didn't deserve to be loved or respected. you treated me like a nuisance that was bothering you rather than an actual human being who was feeling real emotions. that breaks my heart the most, that the boy who loved me chose to hurt me. the one boy who knew me inside out used that knowledge to harm me. i didn't deserve to be treated this way, alfie. i treated you so softly and lovingly because we were like each other, but instead you chose to throw daggers at the boy you loved. i honestly don't know how you can sit with yourself knowing that you did that to the one boy who would have done anything to love you and protect you. i love you so much because you were the only boy who was just like me, and instead of treating me fairly, you chose to act like the people who have hurt me. you chose to treat me with the same hatred you have for yourself. you really disappointed me, alfie. i am a boy who deserves to be loved as fully as i love you. you didn't treat me like a boy who mattered even though i know i matter to you. i am so incredibly sad that my first true love treated me this way. i know that it is not a reflection of my self-worth, but rather of your cowardice.
i want to make clear that this is not a moment for you to make excuses. don't even begin to think that it is too late or that there is nothing left to do or that it is for the best. alfie, our relationship ended terribly because of your actions. i worked with what i had to make this breakup (at the very least) positive for me and my feelings for you. you are probably wallowing in self-pity thinking that you aren't worthy of love or good enough or untrue beliefs like that. i know that even in your excuses that you don't actually treat me fairly. i know i have blocked you, but there is still plenty you can do to at least make the situation better for the both of us. i am not encouraging you to reach out to me because you have already eroded my trust in you, but simply pointing out that this is a self-constructed dead-end on your part, not mine. if you truly wanted to or dared to, you could easily figure out a way to reach out to me to apologise or be honest or anything like that. if you were honest, my integrity would recognise that and be fair towards you. you know my phone numbers, my instagram handles, my @kevin03.com emails (if you dig around enough), there are plenty of ways you can reach out to me to make things right, but i also know that you are still being a coward. stop lying to yourself, alfie. you are smart enough to know that my blocks and easily be circumnavigated. if i block your phone number, you can text me from a friend's phone, for example. that is not the problem, rather that if you had the bravery to own up to your mistakes, you would've done so already. i am just so incredibly disappointed in you because you lied to yourself and to me. this is the first time i'm saying that you lied to me by the way. you lied to me when you said you didn't have the capacity to make friends with me, because you did. when we chatted on the pier, you exhibited a level of capacity to meet me that i had never seen in anyone else before, and when you freaked out after receiving my goodbye love letter (or when you showed up at the pier the last time) you exhibited capacity to care deeply and intensely. so don't lie to yourself or to me, you do have the capacity, you just don't trust yourself or me.
alfie, if i thought you were a truly terrible, awful, useless person, i would be treating you very heartlessly. you are the only boy who i have ever loved with my whole heart, and that is truly a first for me. if i truly did not care about how my words would impact you, i would have told you to rot in hell like a useless piece of shit a long time ago. as much as that would have felt good to express in the short-term though, it would hurt me to know i actively tried to hurt the boy i love in the long run. i wish i could earnestly say that you are a piece of boy trash who deserves no love or compassion because of how much of a dick you are, but i can't mean it. i wish i could say that i want you to hurt forever because of how much pain you gave me, but i can't believe that. to knowingly hurt you for the sake of revenge goes against everything i stand for. if i choose to take revenge on you when i actually i love you, then i am no better than you. note: me giving you the consequences of your actions is not revenge, it is fairness. you don't even know how much pain you gave me, and how tough it is to work through it alone. i survive and i thrive because i have systems in place to deal with such trauma, and because i have dealt with worse, but that does not change that you hurt me. and i guess i wish you would apologise or be the brave boy i wish you were, but your silence shows me that you would rather hide from all the pain you caused. you truly disappointed me, alfie, and as much as i hope you'll take accountability for your actions and make things right, i also work on the assumption that you won't.
i don't really even know why i'm telling you this. all i want is for the pain to end, to find a brave boy who would hold my hand or hug me or kiss me in a way that you were too afraid to. a boy who owns his feelings instead of running away from them. maybe i wish for a miracle where you suddenly become brave and come back into my life as the boy i fell in love with, but i can't count on that. i have to allow myself to move forward so that i am not weighed down by your cowardice. if you choose to come back as a boy who is willing to treat me with love, i would gladly welcome you, but i do not negotiate with avoidance and cowardice. my requirement is now bravery, from you and from any other boy i meet. i just feel sad that you chose to end things this way. you tried to take control of my actions and my expression when it was never yours to control. you treated me as sub-human, when i treated you as my sweet boy. you don't get to control me, you only get to control yourself, and currently you are choosing to be a coward and a knob. you disappointed me and your own soul. if i were you, i would struggle to even function. oh i know just how dark your world can get, and i know how that can lead into suicidal thoughts. you don't have an excuse though, to be suicidal, because the one boy who loves you and understands you is right here. the one boy almost committed suicide himself, made it through and loves you. you just needed to be brave. if you ever get that low that you want to end your own life, don't disappoint me further, don't kill yourself like you are already doing. i can't control that you chose to run away from me, but i will always love your soul, the part of you that you have been trying to kill. that's my guarantee as your first love. be free, my alfie, because you are always loved by this very weird, very intense boy. you will always be my precious boy in my heart.
as for me, i hope i find my brave boy sooner rather than later. i hope i receive the love that i don't believe is possible, where my needs are met and i am not judged for wanting kisses or holding hands, or even just feeling sexual attraction or wanting sexual intimacy. i hope i find a boy who loves me and is brave enough to treat me as such, and i hope that i will find him someday. i just want to be loved in every way, just as i loved you, alfie. i love you, my sweet boy :).
kev :(
ps. i was going to leave it there but i did a big walk around the old port of montreal and i saw 3 incidents which made me think of you (eyeroll). how about 3 dates with a sweet boy that doesn't treat me like a knob? the universe said no. anyway, i don't really want to elaborate on every incident, but what connected all 3 was the key theme of belonging. i saw a group of 3 boys cycling along the water and i felt my body ache for that sense of belonging with other boys, the same way i originally felt with you on princes pier. i wished i had male friends growing up who made me feel like i belonged and who i could have felt safe to be myself around. even right now, i guess i don't really have that even though i have male friends again, it's not the same as how i felt with the boy i love. fuck me sideways, i just want to feel loved and a sense of belonging with other boys. i wish i had boys that are soft and gentle like me in my life. i don't always want to feel so alone. at this point, i do wonder if this is for alfie or for me, who knows? this is just a lifelong dream on my end. i think that, from now on, i don't want to talk about your failures anymore. talking about them is getting increasingly repetitive and unhelpful, and i would much rather focus on my own healing that will allow me to find the boys who will love me in the ways you were too were too much of a coward to express. i wish we didn't end like this, but you were so incredibly unfair and ignorant of me that i have to put myself first. you lost the boy who loves you fully. what an incredibly fucking stupid choice to make, alfie. the fact that i needed to spend so much time processing and write so many words about you represents the depth of my disappointment in you. i don't think i have ever been more disappointed in someone in my life, and that is a sobering conclusion to reach for my first true love. i love your soul, the boy i met on princes pier, but i want no part in your fakeness and cowardice. if you want to go down this path, count me out, mate.
3 april 2026
hey sweet boy,
i am writing from montreal, quebec, canada today and i've been thinking a lot about how i have chosen to process and integrate you since i originally started somatic processing (after cognitive processing finished). i'd like to note that from now on, i will no longer split you into the real boy and mean boy categories that i originally needed to process you as they have finished serving their purpose. from now on, i will recombine both sides of you into one, but my stance stays the same that i love your soul and despise your avoidance and cowardice.
i was thinking about the purpose of eulogies, why people write them and express them when the subject of the eulogies can't actually hear them (given that they are dead). why honour the memory of someone who has passed on? i feel like eulogies are written for the person writing rather than the person who has passed on or the people who are listening. it's a way of processing loss that acts as a good outlet. people mainly write eulogies for those who truly matter to them, like you do to me. losing you to your cowardice was a big deal to me, it hurt so much. it hurt so much that i essentially felt like you died, and i still feel that way given your absence and avoidance. you, as a physical boy in melbourne, are dead to me because you chose to abandon something beautiful by avoiding to be accountable for your feelings and actions. i told you this would happen when i wrote my ultimatum. however, you as an internalised model of love, authenticity, pureness, and soul-level resonance continues to serve a very important functional and relational purpose in my life. this is why i chose to split your identity into separate threads of processing as compared to oversimplifying you into boy trash.
you are a boy who can see me and understand me in a way that very few people can. i am on an island by myself in terms of my queerness, identity, and how i show up in the world. you are the only boy i know so far that lives on the same island as me and speaks the same soul language as me, which is why i only feel seen and understood by you. i think that is very important to acknowledge because it is the fundamental reason why i save an internalised model of you rather than just cut you out like how most people typically process breakups. loving you unlocks an ability in myself to feel things that i never previously felt was possible. loving you allows me to connect with myself in ways i haven't been able to do since i was a kid. loving you enables me to love myself too. it all comes down to the fact that meeting you and loving you validates a part of myself that i never knew could be seen, met, or validated. loving you allows me to process my own feelings in a way that only queer boys like us can understand. you are the only person i know who doesn't require me to translate myself in order to be understood. you understand the unsaid context so effortlessly that it just feels easy to communicate with you. often, it feels easier for me to communicate with you than with myself because i grew up thinking that i am a boy who is difficult (if not impossible) to understand. i never knew that with the right boys, i could simply just be understood. i think that is why i am so adamant on keeping you alive in my heart. if i lose the version of you that unlocks these abilities, then i lose a fundamental connection to myself too. talking to you allows me to be fully vulnerable and honest, through my imperfections and flaws, while feeling safe and seen. however, because you chose to be a coward, i had to develop an internalised model of you rather than rely on you as a physical boy. i managed to decouple you as a soul i love from you as the boy who chose to hurt me. i love you because i know your flaws, that is what makes you real, but that does not mean i need to love your short-sighted choices. you allow me to be honest in ways that i've previously struggled to be. this is why you matter to me, why i still write eulogies in memory of you that don't really seem all that related to you. you are the only boy i know that gets me, and i won't lose that again to the unreliability of your fearfulness and cowardice.
i know that as i am writing and editing and publishing these eulogies that you can read them. i also know that you aren't going to reach out due to your avoidance and cowardice. you had every chance, and you chose to do nothing. you made every excuse to avoid doing anything, and that came back to bite you. not choosing or being silent is in and of itself a choice. i don't need to enable site analytics to know how your avoidance works or how you lurk in secrecy because you don't want me to know that you care. i know it works on other people because we are the same boy and i know that other people are not like us. i just think it was unwise to choose the same tactics on someone who has demonstrated that i understand you so fully that i even understand the way you walk. as i was learning how to interact with someone who can see me and understand me, my goal was to behave in a way that aligned with who i am. i know that you did not make that same choice because i know you were interested in me yet you chose to hide from me. however, i do still think that choosing to learn how to interact in a self-aligned way is a fundamentally positive skill to learn. i know that it will help me find the kind of boy that can see me and understand me. i know that as you read what i have written that you will feel a lot of emotions, because you are a deep boy just like me. you can't hide that from me. i don't need to know where, when, or how you are reading my words, but i just know that you are. there is a reason why you let this site stay online even as you call me names and pretend to be someone you are not, and that's because right now i am the only person you know who knows who you truly are and loves you for it. your parents don't, your friends probably don't either. i saw your beauty that you were hiding and i fell in love, who else do you know right now in 2026 who can say that? i know that boys like us are rare. what other boy is going to write eulogies for a boy that actively chose to hurt them? it's only going to be me, alfie, because we were each other's first loves. i am not going to repeat my mistake of enabling avoidance from now on, and i can only hope you don't hurt someone else the same way you hurt me. you are a very special boy in my life, and you became a standard for me. a standard where i require soul-level resonance from future boys, and a standard where i fully reject avoidance and cowardice.
i do think that my experience of first love is very uncommon, while yours is excruciatingly typical. i've been reading reddit threads and talking to people and watching tiktoks and i know that my general lack of regret and my high level of growth and integration is exceedingly uncommon for a first experience of love. i didn't shoot myself in the foot or beat around the bush when i knew something. i was honest and identity-aligned. i know for certain that you cannot say the same. i know you will regret the way you showed up because i was once your emotional age too. and while i don't feel regret, i do still make myself feel my feelings fully rather than using intellectualisation to avoid them. intellectualisation is a funny thing because it is so easy to fall into when you possess cognitive knowledge about yourself and you use it to compensate for the pain because you don't actually want to feel the pain. healthy pain is good, and we shouldn't live our lives in pursuit of avoiding pain, but rather we should embrace it. pain sucks, but it tells us that there is a part of us that needs love and attention. i have said the exact same thing about shame as well. my pain is that i feel like boys won't stay for me because they don't see me as worth keeping. that i am not worth the effort to be fought for and loved. my pain shows me that this aspect of my beliefs needs love and attention. i intellectually understand why i developed this belief. all my life, i have been fighting and protecting myself on my own. my parents failed to protect me because they were emotionally immature and my siblings similarly caused more harm. my friends never understood all of the pain i had been through, and neither did my teachers. i had learned to rely on nobody for anything. i learned that i was alone. even when i met you, you illustrated to me that even a boy who could see me and understand me could ditch me because they themselves have their own issues they need to deal with. that's painful to know and experience, to say that in my first true love, the boy who loved me ditched me, hurt me, and left me on my own because he was a coward. those are scars that can linger for the rest of my life if i fail to sit with the pain, if i let it fester unchecked instead. however, because i sat with the pain and processed it fully (rather than just using my psychology degree to intellectualise), i end up stronger, more open, and ready for an even more intense version of love i first experienced with you.
alfie, make up all the excuses you want as to why we didn't work out, blame our age gap or different backgrounds and cultures or your capacity or whatever, but at the end of the day but we didn't work out because you chose to let your fears run your behaviour. i am here open and ready to fall in love with a brave boy because you didn't choose to keep me. that is your loss. our connection was not illegal, it was just something that asked you to be brave. you chose to be dishonest, you chose to avoid taking accountability for your feelings and your actions, you chose to be a boy that let his first true love go because you were too scared to be honest with yourself. it's easy for me to weaponise this fact and make it about my self-worth, like talking about how you chose to let go of the one person who knew how to love you in the exact way you needed because you didn't see me as important enough to keep, but i don't think that is true and i don't rely on you to validate my self-worth. i get the sense that you were scared precisely because i mattered so much to you that you were afraid of making a mistake and overthinking things, and then you chose to lean into a facade because you didn't want to acknowledge that i was that influential on you. you are complicit in letting this tombstone and these eulogies exist in the world because you know i matter to you, just as i know you matter to me. you chose to give up a relationship that could have been so amazing, the likes of which we wouldn't even be able to imagine. we had such a healthy foundation, and we were already naturally headed towards being boyfriends before you chose to destroy it. therefore, from now on, i will refer to you as my first relationship even though we never had the symbolic milestones and all that. you are my first true love, and my first relationship, and my first ex because our connection is deeper than most can comprehend. our relationship lasted 3 months, from 24 november 2025 to 23 february 2026. and now our relationship is over. our relationship ended because you chose to hurt me, avoid me and be cowardly, and i refused to accept that. alfie, i will always love you but i do not condone how this relationship ended nor do i condone your avoidance and cowardice. you gave up a connection that was so beautiful to please the people who do not care about you, like your abusive father. you chose to become my past, and i chose to designate you the title of my first ex to match your choice. now i look for new boys that meet the standard you set for me, soul-level resonance + bravery, here in montreal and wherever else i will travel to. until i find him, i will be here to talk to you in eulogies and use you to connect with myself and loving the people who matter to me, like my true friends, and your soul, and myself because i cannot change the fact that you are the only person who i don't need to translate for and that you have passed on. i love you, my sweet boy, always :).
love,
kev <3
1 april 2026
i am currently flying from tokyo to montreal and i must admit that i am scared. i am scared that this world trip fails, that i wasted so much money for nothing, and that i don't enjoy myself. i am scared because i am taking a leap of faith by putting myself out there and trusting that the right things and the right people will find me. i am so scared because i am alone and i am starting something new. a new journey where i do not know what happens, or the places i will like, or the people i will meet. i am scared that i will feel like i made all of this progress, all of this growth, and end up equally as lost and as uncertain as i feel right now. i am scared that i won't ever meet the people that can make me feel exactly what i felt with you on princes pier, if not better. i am scared that i have already peaked, and my life still seems drear. i am scared that my investment into my future leads nowhere. i am scared that i am now in a post-you chapter, a post-alfie chapter.
i know we never officially dated or anything but i now consider you an ex. we might have never been boyfriends but you are still my first true love because of how deep the connection we had was, despite the cowardice. boy, you had no idea how brave i had to be to deal with your cowardice and to cut off the avoidance. i have been doing my best to be brave, to stand up for myself, to ensure that my treatment by your cowardice didn't end up as more negative thoughts in my head. now that is over. i still have your polaroid on the back of my phone, but the processing is done. you are now part of my past. however, i still stand by my words. i fell in love with your soul on princes pier, and i love that boy i met till the day i die. as for the cowardice and avoidance? no empathy there. i think that's partly why i’m so scared. i was with you. i was met by you. i loved you. deep down, i could feel that you loved me too. but you left. i refused to accept your behaviour. that’s why i call you an ex now. now i am on my own again, for the first time knowing how it feels like to be seen and understood on a soul-level. i am afraid that i won't find it again, find you again.
i had a bit of a freakout at tokyo narita airport earlier. air canada decided to screw me over by shifting me from an aisle seat to a middle seat for a 12 hour flight. i was so livid. my bones were already aching from the flight from singapore to narita and yet they decided that they wouldn't honour the seat that they let me choose. they tried to upsell me into business class, which was an additional $4,000. i was so desperate that i actually considered it but i ended up staying in economy, squeezing between an elderly chinese mother-son duo who were pretty friendly and an african-canadian girl. even though it was uncomfortable, i acted in alignment with my values and i didn’t waste my money. i was like maybe i'll be seated next to the boy of my dreams, and the universe was like nah. this was a wise financial decision though, but i just wish that the trip had started off a little better. somehow i have made it half way through this flight and i am not dead yet. but i guess this goes back to the gate control theory of pain, i guess that freak out triggered my fear of not having you around. i am not entirely sure why i want to tell you this, but i guess i wanted to make it known. i wanted you to know that it is possible to be scared and brave at the same time. i might have moved on from you, but that does not change the fact that i miss you and i love you, my sweet boy :).
love,
kev <3
30 march 2026
it seems like i am starting to forget how you sound like or how your face looks like and it really bothers me. i know your voice is distinct but knowing that, or having notes about how you sound, isn't exactly the same as hearing your voice. i keep trying to force myself to recall how you sound but i struggle, that's not how cognitive memory works, and i hate it because it feels like i'm truly losing touch with you. i would be able to identify your voice in any room, yet i don't have a recording of how you sound, and it sucks. i miss you so much, my sweet boy, and i love you :).
kev :(
28 march 2026
to: the alfie i love (the one that is not a coward)
from: the kevin that loves alfie
hey sweet boy :),
i'm writing from malacca, malaysia today, and i think i had my first almost full day yesterday where i just didn't even think about you since i was just busy doing other stuff. i don't know how i feel about that, because i'm absolutely elated that the spineless coward in melbourne is finally someone i care less and less about but i also feel sad that i don't need to think about you as much anymore. i guess it is part and parcel of moving on but it's almost like i'm not ready to let go yet and trust myself that i will still love you even when i stop thinking about you regularly. i just feel really sad that i have to move on, and i would much rather not, but i would rather protect the version of you that i love rather than have my memory of you be tainted by an unoriginal coward. i know that my body has been working through the processing of losing you since i've already had multiple dreams that connect back to you. it's not as direct as the one i had in january but the topics my dreams cover definitely point back to you. for context, the one in january was where i had the dream where i ran into you unexpectedly in public and i gave you the tightest hug and i told you i loved you and left and then my body accepted that i had lost you. obviously then the coward decided to show up and decided to harm the boy he himself loves, but that says a lot more about him than me.
"i had a dream where i ran into you outside and i called out to you. i dreamed that i gave you the tightest hug and felt so warm and fuzzy, and my body made peace with the fact that you left. it was a visceral feeling. i woke up briefly at about 4am, for a minute, and i knew in that moment that what i was feeling was somatic acceptance." (me on 22 january 2026 about my dream on 10 january 2026)
honestly i don't know why i choose to make my dreams so available online, especially in a space where i know the coward lurks and may use my love and grief to feed his fragile little ego, but my love is for you, not for an imposter. besides, the first dream i'll talk about probably attacks that coward's ego anyway. regardless, i'm telling you, the boy i love, not the pathetic coward. it occurred during an afternoon nap on 22 march 2026. my dream was like a one direction (or boybands in general) style montage video with stop-motion effects, set to stargazing by myles smith with the chorus just on a constant loop. it felt like a very well made production to be honest, like a proper promotional video. it felt like i was looking back at someone's life, but not my life. there were a number of scenes, but i primarily remember a childhood home/uni sharehouse or dorm, a lot of monorail or (very modern) train travel on elevated tracks, and a driveway and house entrance in a leafy suburb (the point of view was like looking out of the house towards the street). let's focus on that leafy suburb scene, because that was the most memorable. in this scene, there was a person walking up to their house, but you couldn't see the person. all i could see was shoes moving towards the steps of the front door in a stop-motion manner and a briefcase similarly slowly moving up the steps. it was like the person was invisible, and it felt like he lived alone. he (i'm assuming it's a boy) walks up the steps and he looks out into the distance (the house seems to be elevated on a hill or something) and he sees something (potentially buildings or a city) that triggers a wave of nostalgia, then the dream ends. keep in mind that while all of these scenes were happening, the chorus of stargazing was constantly looping, the part where it goes "you and i stargazing, intertwining souls, we were never strangers, you were right there all along".
when thinking about this first dream, it felt like i was looking at the life of a person who lost touch with himself. i don't quite remember if anything happens in this person's childhood or in his uni years, but it was a progression from younger to older, the chaos versus the isolation. it actually felt really sad, it was like i was grieving the life of someone that became generic, so generic in fact that he lived a generic place and his presence didn't even matter. obviously with that myles smith song, the video was pretty upbeat like a boyband montage, but it contrasted significantly with what i saw. i guess you could say that it was the contrast between one's potential and one's choices. it really confronted me with the question: would you regret how you've lived? especially when the person saw that thing out in the distance that triggered the nostalgia, the question i thought was: was losing yourself worth it? the person achieved traditional goals like being able to buy a house in a leafy suburb with good views, but did it even matter?
when i woke up, obviously i linked this dream to both you and i. i mean, how could i not? this is the very thing i've been thinking about and processing that i haven't written on the tombstone until now. i did mention regret and the unsent letter website somewhere but this is the in-depth version of that. it makes me ask myself a lot of questions about how i showed up with you. one day when i'm older and i look back on our interactions, will i regret what i did? no. one day when i do find the boy who treats me right, will i be embarrassed to tell him what happened with the first boy i ever loved? no. one day if the coward decides to be brave enough to redevelop the boy i love and come back, would i feel ashamed of what i've done? no. one day when i'm on the brink of death, will i regret loving the alfie i met on princes pier those first four times? no. no matter how many different ways i look at the situation, i don't see myself regretting my words or actions, even if they were not perfect, because i tried my absolute best. i acted from integrity. i loved (and still love) you, my first true love, wholeheartedly and it was factored in through every decision i made when it came to you, and to the coward. like i am very happy that i am no longer weighed down by a coward, but i am very sad that i lost the boy i love. i mean, i am very sad that i had to internalise you instead of being next to you in the real world. i'm still young and i've still got a life ahead of me, but i'm now choosing to live in a way where i won't lose myself anymore, even if that's more difficult than becoming generic, because you showed me that i mattered and that living an authentic life is so much more fulfilling than fear and cowardice. can the coward say the same?
*stares straight into alfie's soul*
the second dream is very different, and i guess it relates more to where i am in relation to moving on from you than about how i feel you or the self-betraying coward. it's more a dream about a new beginning, and it goes back to a wish of mine from when i was a child that i never got (or not yet at least). in this dream, i dreamt that i got the opportunity to buy a puppy for $5 at a kmart for some reason. mind you this is apparently also set in america or canada, so it isn't exactly supposed to make sense. but i bought a dog for $5 at kmart and part of why it was so cheap was because i didn't get to choose the puppy, but my puppy ended up being perfect for me. this puppy i bought was a black and white spotted border collie with a tinge of yellow (a photo that closely resembles the dog i dreamed of, albeit quite a bit older). my pup was a boy who was so sweet and gentle, which is pretty funny given that i got a boy doggo as a boy who likes boys who ended up with the perfect dog for me, and i remember loving him so much as i cradled him in my arms. i know the dog was in my imagination, but the affection i feel when i think about the dream is so real and undeniable (imagine how much more i loved you lmao). it's like my body remembers him. anyway, he was just a couple weeks old and he was absolutely adorable and tiny like a baby puppy. i also remember how my pup was so excited to see me every morning and all that, it felt nice to be wanted and loved. don't feel that a lot, not even from the coward who i literally know loves me back. couldn't even hide the fact that he was panicking when i named the love between us. him trying to hide his feelings from the one boy that understands him through and through will never not be amusing. back to my sweet doggo, i never got to name him, like i was trying different names in my dream but none of them stuck and i probably just woke up before reaching one that fit. i also remember near the end of the dream that i was commenting about how if my doggo was already hot in the us or canada, like imagine how hot he'd be in singapore. yeah, so that's the second dream. i don't usually have dreams that are so visceral and positive and adorable, but it was a nice dream, like i still feel love for that puppy right now. i love him so much and he's not even real. imagine if this was foreshadowing the fact that alfie is a figment of my imagination lmao, is this self-gaslighting? nah i know you're real, my body knew you from the day we first met.
i feel like this dream is about new beginnings, like new experiences such as getting a puppy. the dream doesn't end in any specific way unlike the first one, it feels like it just continues. like the doggo grows bigger and i keep loving him. i didn't really think about you in this dream, but the signs of you are present. things like being sweet and gentle, and being a boy dog for a boy who likes boys, and that feeling of love. it felt like a natural progression to my feelings with you, had our relationship been able to develop. the other thing that stood out was the felt alignment between me and my pup, like yes i felt very safe with my dog and his gentle presence but he also felt the same safety in the way he could just sleep in my arms. i was just watching him and feeling so fuzzy. it's almost exactly how i felt those feelings for you in my daydream back on 13 march 2026 where you're resting on my lap and i just admire you, same vibes. i don't really know why i had this dream. maybe i've been watching bluey a little too much? but i feel like it's my body telling me that i'm ready to love again, like my body is open for love. it seems that i've reached a stage of somatic processing that i can continue to process my love and grief for you and your passing (and my indifference to the coward and his avoidance) while also being able to experience the sort of love i now know i am capable of experiencing. this is a new state of feeling for me. i have literally never been in a state where i feel ready and capable of love. like the way i found you, and the way i got matched with my pup, it was effortless and i just knew it inside my body. maybe this dream is also my body's way of letting me feel some love in the absence of any boys that i resonate with. my pup just felt perfect for me and maybe i'm hoping that my future partner will too. my pup just left such a mark on me, just like you did. i don't know how i feel though, i don't know when i'll next feel that warmth and love that i first experienced with you. what if i don't feel it with any other boy ever again? i just feel sad that i'm losing the boy that felt like my soulmate, but will a soulmate show up as a coward? i can't be sure. the only thing i know for sure is that i am open and receptive to that kind of love again, the kind i feel with you, the kind that fills you up with hope rather than draining you through manipulation and abuse, the kind of love that boys like us deserve. a deep love that validates every part of our souls, even the parts that society tries to tear us down for possessing. we deserve to be loved for our softness, gentleness, weirdness, sensitivity, and intensity. we deserve to be loved wholeheartedly for being ourselves, where we don't need to wear masks or pretend to be someone we are not. i love you, my sweet boy, for being exactly who you are and i will make sure i find a boy that loves us fully. i will always love you, my sweet boy :).
love,
kev <3
21 march 2026
to: the boy that i love
from: the boy that loves him
hey sweet boy,
it's now coming up to one month since you've passed on and i guess i'm now reaching the tail-end of integrating my grief from losing you. it's a mixed bag to be honest. on one hand, i do feel so much peace and happiness because i feel like i have completed my responsibility as someone who loves you fully. i have honoured you as best as i could in my actions, psychoanalysed and broke down so thoroughly how the coward in melbourne failed you that i have no lingering questions or thoughts remaining, and left said coward a guide to save himself, so now i feel like i have earned a well-deserved break. on the other hand, now i've got all this unutilised processing capacity that i'm lowkey getting irritated. i guess that even when i was processing the failure of the coward and attacking him and crippling his avoidance and silence, i had a goal or a target that i could use to focus on to distract myself from the fact that i'm in a very liminal space right now where i'm in between places and mental states. damn, is that avoidance? i don't know, but i do know that breaking down that coward helped me learn so much about myself and my parents and my past, so i do think it was a beneficial task overall. however, that irritation is real and it might be a symptom of emotional burnout. processing that coward was a major whammy and so i guess it makes sense that i'm tired. i'm just glad it's complete.
now that i've got so much spare capacity, i've been noticing so many things about my own parents based on frameworks i've used on your parents. it's uncanny how applicable they are to both my parents and your parents. recently, i've been noticing their emotional immaturity, such as avoidance and silence from my dad, and deflection and a lack of accountability from my mum. i've even been noticing parallels between my mum and a friend from uni who i dropped due to being overly egotistical and manipulative. it sucks to realise that my observations of my parents are so poor but now i see and understand so clearly why i felt so hurt and isolated from my time as a growing boy. like i already understand so much about my own trauma and all of the various factors and timestamps involved, and now my understanding of my parents' role in that is filling in a lot of gaps. i just wish i could give my old self a hug, just as i wish i could give you a hug through your grave. you were a really good mirror for me actually, i really have understood so much more of myself and my experiences because i met you. i'm sorry that coward in melbourne chose to fail you instead but i do really love you and appreciate you. earlier, when i was showering, i was even thinking about how much of a power couple we could've been, working together to collaboratively deal with emotionally immature parents and how beneficial that would've been, but the boy in melbourne chose to be a coward so i guess we won't get to find out. i can deal with my parents myself, it's just that it would've been nice if i had someone who understood me and loved me while we both dealt with our own shit. that's just a dream for now, unfortunately. that thought makes me feel sad, actually, like a hollow sensation in my chest.
speaking about that, i'm now in a stage of letting go and moving on where i've started wondering about when is a good time for me to take off my polaroid of you on the back of my phone. i guess i've detached enough that thinking about this no longer feels like self-harm. i don't want to force myself to take it off before i'm ready while also not wanting to take too long. i think i'll trust my instincts on this, like i'll put it away when i feel like i don't need it anymore. right now, i do still feel like keeping it there so it remains, but i guess i'm a lot closer to removing it than i used to be. i was just thinking about how if i meet boys that resonate with me when i go on my world trip to find a new place to live, would having that polaroid be holding me back or a symbol of me living openly and honestly? i will say that any boy i do like will need to understand the importance and significance of why i keep your polaroid there, that's a basic requirement of emotional maturity for me, but it's just like figuring out if it still serves a beneficial purpose. i don't know, maybe i'm overthinking this. the right boys wouldn't feel intimidated about seeing you on the back of my phone, they would be curious, and maybe that'll be my way of observing compatibility with boys i guess. i mean this is on the assumption that i find and connect with boys that make me feel the same way as meeting you felt like, if not better, but it's not a guarantee i guess. i would feel absolutely disappointed if i didn't meet a single boy that resonates, but taking this risk to travel the world and find our own people is infinitely better than staying in singapore and knowing with full certainty that i won't find boys like us. it's just that this very financially risky, i'm spending over $10,000 to take myself to canada, italy, ireland, the netherlands, and morocco without knowing if it will pay off. it just feels so overwhelming to me, but i push through by being brave, and i hope i find what i'm looking for through this trip. why can't i just buy a boyfriend? i hope i find you (and myself) in another boy.
[emotional spiral incoming] i don't know if you can tell, but i'm not feeling particularly excited for my world trip. part of me honestly wishes that it wasn't even necessary for me to find a new place to live or find new boys that resonate, but i know it is something i have to do. this is the situation i'm dealt with and so leaving for somewhere and someone new is my only chance of finding belonging. obviously i wished that melbourne could've been the right place for me, but i knew i would suffer long-term and i even wrote about it for uni. i even saw what happens to boys like us in melbourne, be it through the self-betraying coward or observing how australia's social environment fails my other mates. speaking of the coward, i also wished that i didn't need to go searching for new boys to find you again. like this was so incredibly unnecessary, all of the pain and hurt could've been avoided or resolved if the fucking coward would just show up and be honest, instead of trying to hide you. i feel like my irritability is showing up strongly here. i'm not trying to be negative, but i hate how awful it feels and yet i have to sit with it so that it doesn't harm me. like i already found you, but bro thought it would be fun to be a coward. all he needed to do was try, and all he needs to do right now is to still try. bro is a fucking failure to you and to me every day he chooses to be a knob and a coward, and what infuriates me is that i would've protected him if he got hurt, yet he decided to do all the hurting instead. the funny thing is that he can literally choose to stop being a failure right now, like literally right this second, yet bro is probably trying to find every lame excuse in the world to avoid being responsible for his own life. i hate it so much, i hate his avoidance so much. i hate how unnecessary all of this is. i hate that i have put in the work all of my life just to be disappointed by the one boy who i knew had the ability to meet me and chose fucking cowardice instead. it all feels so fucking useless and painful, and it's amplified by the fact that i love you so much. it's like i have already done my absolute best, poured every ounce of effort into creating a life that would let me thrive, and i keep finding that i still need to do more. it's so exhausting. all i wanted was to have you, to love you, and to be loved by you, but the coward in melbourne thought hiding you from the one boy that would have treated you like a king was a "smart decision". the coward thought hiding behind a useless adult toddler of a dad was a "good idea". the coward may think that he's off the hook now that i'm moving on but the disappointment i have about him is still a constant, even though it seriously doesn't need to. i just feel so irritated and i seriously hate this. LIKE, ALFIE, JUST PICK BRAVERY. LITERALLY WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? YOU LITERALLY HAVE ALREADY LOST EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOURSELF. STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. all i wanted was to be loved, and now i need to spend my time, money, and energy finding new people when i'm already so fucking tired, all because he chose to be a self-betraying coward. ughhhhhh, i hate this spiral. i just wish that something just goes right for once. i just want a boy who stays for once. is that seriously too much to ask for? why do i have to pay the price associated with his useless dad? why do i have to do the work of undoing his abuser's harm? and the fucking coward probably hates me even when this is not something i signed up for. all i signed up for was a first true love that was simple, secure and honest, not whatever avoidance bullshit that i despise. all the fucking coward needed to do was just be a little bit brave and honest. UGH I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I FEEL SO MUCH PAIN BECAUSE I MISS THE BOY I LOVE SO MUCH, IT HURTS SO BADLY. i seriously hate that my love for you is associated with a fucking coward that i want no connection to. why does he get to trap your worth? why can't his avoidance be the dead one rather than you? WHY DO I HAVE TO LOSE THE BOY THAT I LOVE? IT'S SO FUCKING UNFAIR. i don't deserve this. why should i hold myself together just so the fucking coward can avoid the full consequences of his actions? i don't owe that coward shit. i am not obligated to enable the coward if he wants to act like a lost cause, but my fucking integrity insists that i give that coward a path to potentially revive you. if he wants to be a fucking coward, then so be it. he condemned himself, i didn't. that coward is not my fucking responsibility. he chose this. he chose pain and torture for the both of us just so he can avoid the consequences of his actions, what a coward. if he wants to dig his grave, then i've already made the tombstone on this website. i'm so done, i don't even want to be angry or negative. like dude i just want you back, i don't want to deal with an avoidant knob, i just want love. i miss you so fucking much. i just wish you were here with me. i just wish it could've been as simple as it should've been. i just want to move on and I WILL NEVER ACCEPT AVOIDANCE AND COWARDICE EVER AGAIN. the coward can rot in melbourne, as he wishes. is this somatic processing?
this reminds me of that scene of maddy and cassie fighting in euphoria season 2 and bathroom scene lmao. it's actually kinda funny to think about, because at the end of the second video maddy literally tells cassie that she's a fucking coward and that she would've never done that to her. it's crazy how similar that line is to what i've literally been saying to the coward in melbourne. i'm sorry, it's actually pretty amusing to me. glad to know that scene applies to two queer boys too. is my life a tv drama? and to the coward in melbourne, tell me it was worth it, alfie, tell me it was worth it that you tried to hurt the boy that you love through your words and through your dad. i am weird, while you are a coward, a coward that harms his soul and the boy he loves. tell me it was worth it that you tried to fuck me over, alfie. up until you chose to hurt me, i could feel empathy for you and your avoidance. once you decided to hurt me, you chose to destroy the safety and trust between us. the safety and trust that i treasured with every inch of my soul. you disappointed me, but more importantly, you failed yourself. you need to apologise to your own soul, coward. tell me it was worth it, alfie. tell your inner child and the boy you love (me) that you chose to harm a pure, safe queer connection because you were a coward. tell us it was worth it. you better be glad that i'm not maddy from the show, because i love my sweet boy too much to potentially hurt him through you, unlike maddy in the season 2 finale who really did not. i am not playing your dad's mean boy games, brancatella, no.
now that i'm done venting, i just think the coward in melbourne threw away a life where you would have been accepted, loved, and cared for just by being exactly who you are. you could've had the best life. i would have brought you to prague, to anywhere you wanted to go. for you, i would have easily invested every dollar in my bank account and every ounce of energy i had so you could have a brighter future, so that you would no longer be constrained by the people who have hurt you, but the coward chose to hurt me instead. his avoidance isn't who he really is, but y'know he chooses it, and so he loses out. now i just redirect that love internally to me and you, the boy i remember from princes pier, the boy who now lives inside me, the boy who i love, my sweet boy. i know you only live inside my heart now, but i actively protect my memory of you because i love you too much to let the coward manipulate it. the coward has no control over my love for you, and so i love you till the day i die. i love you in outright defiance of every person who has made me felt bad for being myself, or for loving boys as a boy, or maintaining my softness, sensitivity, and weirdness. i am a strong, brave, independent boy who loves wholeheartedly BECAUSE i am deep, queer, soft, sensitive, weird, intense, and hurt. all the traits people have tried to shame me for. bet the coward in melbourne didn't see that coming, thinking he could break me by calling me weird. neither did his dad, did he? thinking he could break me through the same bland and unoriginal name-calling. so fucking stupid. what's up with the brancatella household? all trying their very best to exhibit their emotionally immature behaviour directly to me, a person who knows how to call out their bullshit and is brave and integrity-filled enough to do so. it seems ironic. do these two knobs want me to give them a round of applause or a bunch of diagnoses? [emotional spiral finished]
i was also watching an excerpt of the beginning of this youtube video on tiktok talking about wanting love without needing it to complete you or fix you, and i guess i'm just in that sort of mental headspace right now. i function fine without you physically around but obviously i know i would be thriving so much more if you were still alive. i guess that's why i needed to keep you in my heart. i need to know that i am a boy worth loving, and you show me that. you are the first person who has ever made me feel seen and understood, that deserves to be remembered. you are the boy that i love till the day i die. obviously that wouldn't apply to the coward in melbourne, but even he once contained you. now i guess i'm waiting, waiting to meet boys that i can mutually love and thrive with. but make no mistake, this waiting is not passive. i'm not sitting in singapore hoping that someone finds me while i stay stagnant. i'm actively putting myself out there in the world, in places that resonate with me, so that i have the chance of meeting a boy that can meet me, just as we met each other. i guess it's the start of a new chapter, and i just hope it's more stable and emotionally fulfilling than the avoidance by the coward that i now refuse to accept. i just miss you so much, but in the absence of your presence and with only your warmth in my heart, i guess i'm ready to find you in the new boys that i meet. maybe i can find a boyfriend, and maybe i do deserve something good and healthy. i just wish that it could've been with you, since you are my first true love. maybe one day i'll meet you again, be it through the boy in melbourne or a new boy that i can't yet imagine. until then, i miss you dearly. and no matter what happens in my future, i will always love you, my sweet boy :).
love,
kev <3
13 march 2026
dear real boy alfie,
it's now about one month since valentines day and i was thinking about all of the daydreams i had about you, the boy i love, while i'm watching the sunset here by the river in taipei. recently, my cognitive processing of your passing on seems to have ended. i've analysed what i've needed to analyse, attacked the cowards i've needed to attack, and let out all of the negative energy i've needed to let out. what remains now is the subconscious somatic processing i guess, maybe that's why i keep feeling like i miss your warmth even when i know it lives inside me.
i keep daydreaming about how much i would've loved you in the real world if you had managed to survive. i keep having this image of you lying on my lap as we watch the sunset at princes pier, me resting my arm on your chest as i play with your curly hair, just admiring your face as the sunset lighting makes your skin glow. it's an image partially inspired by harvey by alex g, and it makes me feel so fuzzy whenever i imagine it. that's oxytocin doing its job i guess. it probably keeps your soul alive inside of me. i just imagine looking at you and just smiling because you existed. every time i daydream about you i just think about how much we could have accomplished. i just miss you so much.
as i have been processing though, what surprises me is how i haven't really cried. i thought i would've cried at least in some capacity, but i guess the crying i've done during my pre-grieving seems to have done its job a little too well. i do think that tiktok is picking up my heartbreak from losing you though, because it keeps showing me tarot card readings of you coming back to life, but i honestly don't know how much i feel about getting them on my for you page given the state of the coward i left behind in melbourne.
earlier i saw this instagram post about this person's dad who was closeted until he was in his 70s and how much of his life was squandered living in fear and pain. the post ended on how this person helped their dad reconnect with his love from the 1980s and i thought about the coward in melbourne. i'll be honest, i'm not a big fan of the fact that my integrity leaves a pathway back to a person currently being a coward in melbourne. however, i know that my integrity has my back and it keeps you alive inside my heart so i just have to trust my instincts. i have already done my best. i mean it's the 2020s now and it sucks that people still choose to live in fear, especially due to internalised homophobia, but i chose not to. i chose to be free to love the people i love, including you, my sweet boy. and one day, i hope i find a boy that will love me back the same though, who will play with my hair and admire me the same way i love you. who knows when that'll be?
i also thought about this short film i watched back in december about this boy who kills the boy he loves because of the way his mum shames him for liking boys when he was young. it makes me sad that the film triggers the thought about the coward in melbourne. i feel like you are currently safer in my heart as i love new boys as compared to being alive with the coward in melbourne who's trying to act like your abuser. at least now there is a saved version of you that your abuser is too weak to have access to. you are safe and beautiful in my heart, always, no matter how much of a knob the boy who is currently being a coward in melbourne chooses to be.
i also saw this tiktok/reel by @_weloveyou_ where this guy was trying to be nonchalant about dangling off a bridge trying to appear chill when he's actually about to fall. guess who i thought of? obviously it's the coward in melbourne. he's trying to act all tough and chill and whatever but we know he's not. he's a phony knockoff of an already awful product. we know that the coward is actually a really deep boy who cares and feels things fully, even if he thinks he can hide it. he thinks it'll be safer to hide everything, but we know he's just choosing to lose out on a life that's good. we know he can do better because we know that he could once hold you. that coward in melbourne thinks pretending to be someone he's not is better than being loved, and so he dangles off a bridge with no one to sympathise. what can we do? he thinks he's invisible yet we both see him clearly, the act, the cowardice, everything. he acts like a loser by being too afraid of saying the things he truly wants to say and owning the emotions he actually feels. i don't know about you, but personally i'm not impressed, neither is my integrity. maybe all you see is the body of a boy that once contained you, i can't say for sure. he fails you every day he chooses cowardice and avoidance. it's such a preventable tragedy honestly. what a shame.
to be really honest, i really don't know how i feel about the boy in melbourne who is currently choosing to be a coward in his avoidance. on one hand, we know he's acting the way he is because he's hurt, he's been traumatised from young. we know that his knobness is a survival strategy. that's why i hope he can have a happy life one day that is not constrained by the people who have hurt him. on the other hand, he actively chooses to fail you. he was supposed to protect you, yet he's trying to emulate your abuser instead. he chooses to be a failure every day. i know he can do better, because i have done better. i've stared into the darkness of death with the same type of trauma that he's experienced and made it through. it's hard to go any lower than suicidality. and the thing is that he's got the internal structure just like us. the internal wiring to be a boy who lives honestly, openly, and with integrity, yet he isn't doing that right now. all he needed to do was try, try to be real, but he chooses not to. all he needed to do was to be honest, but he chooses to hide and avoid. all he needs to do is to stop choosing failure, yet he still chooses to disappoint himself. therefore, i don't know what to say to this self-betraying coward, and honestly i don't want to speak to him. i only want to speak to you. i miss you so much.
right, the sun's now gone and i'm getting cold, so i'll ride my bike back to my hotel, but i love you always, real boy alfie. in my heart, i'm always ruffling and twirling your hair with my fingers and smiling as i look at your pretty face lying on my lap, even if you aren't around in the real world anymore. i love you, my sweet boy :).
lots of love,
real boy kevin
24 february 2026
i remember the first day that i saw alfie at princes pier and how magical it felt from the moment i first noticed him from afar, squatting by the water and fiddling with his fishing rod. i felt connected to alfie in a way that i had never felt with anyone before, so seen and understood in a way that felt like a soul-level resonance. i didn't dare to even consider it love at the time because of my self-limiting beliefs regarding being able to be loved, but in hindsight i guess it was love at first sight. i remember that first time vividly as i walked past him and moved closer and away from him, yet i found myself drawn to his energy. this boy was just there fishing and i found myself wanting to watch him and understanding his every move. those 80-ish minutes encompassed one of the most remarkable experiences of my life, feeling two nervous systems syncing together for the first time ever without a single word said. this experience was even observable through my apple watch's recorded heart rate data. i remember how alfie chose to walk really closely by me, like where i was sitting, and i sort of moved my leg back a little to give him some space even though i was pretending not to pay attention. this happened twice, mind you. i vividly recall how both times i did that, alfie seemed so startled, like i saw him glance towards me in a way that seemed really surprised and reflexive. it's hilarious actually, because i highly doubt he expected me to be fully aware of what he was doing, but i was aware and i still am. equally hilarious was how we had exactly one moment of eye contact as he walked past me from the edge of the pier to his place on the bench. i still remember how i tried to distract myself from the resonance by pretending to use my phone, and facetiming my parents and my grandma, and how i left a few minutes after he did and found him standing at the entrance of the pier with his bike and walking closely past him with full awareness of his presence despite looking down at my phone. that version of myself had my world shook for the first time in a way that i never believed was possible. this boy appeared in my internal world where i had never seen anyone else before. it has been almost a full day since the passing of my kind boy, and i'm starting to memorialize the boy that i loved and severing the coward that still breathes. part of me feels like the boy i loved was being killed for 2 months now, even if i was initially unaware. i tried to save him, but i also knew that the risk was high, so i had also already pre-grieved and prepared for the gravity of his death. the human who chose to murder my boy though, he became a defining example of how not to handle a soul-level connection. as for his weapon, alfie's abusive father, he became a shining example of a human failure that leeches off of his son's value. thus, mr brancatella, in his current state, is a spineless, self-betraying coward who deserves none of my time or capacity. this actually lets me proceed business as usual with my daily life while loving and grieving the passing of the boy i loved. every part of me loves my sweet boy and every part of me will remember him. the kind, sweet boy i love lives in my heart always, even if he no longer exists in the real world. my gentle boy is cared for and loved with every breath that i take and every future boy that i love. i love the boy on princes pier till the day that i die. i love you, my sweet pier boy, my first true love :).
