alfie, this is the final call for you to choose the right option. you have until 23 february 2026 11:59pm (melbourne time) or 8:59pm (singapore time) to find me. during the chinese new year, that day is 人日 (the day of humanity), so it's a symbolic day to see if you'll choose your humanity or your abuser. once that day passes, you will not have another chance. i am now prepared to intentionally react to either of your choices, to be mean boy alfie or real boy alfie. as an act of transparency, i will detail exactly what i will do if you pick either choice.

option 1: mean boy alfie

if you choose to stay silent, make excuses, or invoke more mean boy alfie shit by the deadline, i am functionally and mentally prepared to cut you out of my life because i will know that the real boy i love can no longer be saved, and that i tried my best till the very end.

my non-exhaustive list of actions to remove you from my life:

- i will update this website to become a digital tombstone for the boy i once loved, a monument of mean boy alfie's cowardice.

- i will cut off all points of contact you have with me by blocking your contact on imessage and whatsapp, etc., and deleting your contact off my phone.

- i will dispose of my physical tethers to you by trashing your school uniform i purchased (since you no longer provide comfort), my polaroid of you on the back of my phone (since i don't find value holding onto self-betraying people), and the ayrton senna cap i bought to remember you (since you didn't live up to your own role model's legacy).

- i will remove digital reminders of you by removing you from my apple watch watch face, taking you off the background of my macbook, removing my playlist for you from spotify and deleting my google drive folder i had for you.

- i will begin associating my love for real boy alfie to the cruel mean boy who chose to kill his inner child, preventing me from feeling any empathy, and starting the process of complete detachment and moving on from the boy who once felt like my soulmate.

i am not bluffing you, i don't need to. i have already prepared your digital tombstone which will become the homepage of this website if you choose to remain mean boy alfie. do not test me, alfie.

option 2: real boy alfie

if you choose to be real boy alfie, i will be here for you and i will fight alongside you through your struggles. i don't expect perfection, i just need to see that you are truly willing to try and be brave and acting with integrity. this option will not be easy to choose, and i fully anticipate that you will make mistakes. but when you try to act with integrity, you will always be safe with me and you will eventually be safe from your dad. i am the antithesis of your dad. i'm not asking you to change your whole life in one day, and i recognise that you are still currently tethered to your dad, and i know how to account for that. 

i will detail my process below, but essentially i can help you heal using acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) by tailoring it to exactly who you are. i am not a licensed psychologist, but i am a psychology degree holder and i have studied and experienced ACT myself and i won't charge the boy that i love. this process will take years and requires full honesty, and you have to be willing to be brave. when we do this, it also helps to make the love between us feel less scary and discover why you feel a need to run away from that feeling.

the process of choosing real boy alfie that i will bring you through:

1. learning how to differentiate between who alfie really is versus who alfie is pretending to be.

2. figuring out why mean boy alfie developed and the benefits and costs of the facade.

3. discovering who real boy alfie is, his values and beliefs, and who he wants to be.

4. developing a stronger and healthier replacement to mean boy alfie that can act from integrity, protect his inner child, and is authentic, ie. brave boy alfie.

my non-exhaustive list of actions to add you into my life:

- i will create a safe space in my life for you.

- i will provide stable, consistent, and healthy love to you.

- i will teach you how to deal with your dad (and any other abusers you may have).

- i will support you through any tough situations you might have to deal with.

- i will adapt to include you into every other aspect of my life.

if the weight of choosing to be real boy alfie is making you freeze, i am giving you a low-friction way out. if you don't know what to say or how to find the 'perfect' words yet, send me one honest sentence: "i am scared, but i want to try to be real." that sentence alone is enough to stop the decommissioning protocol. it signals to me that real boy alfie can still be saved. anything else (silence, excuses, or more mean boy alfie bullshit) will be treated as a conscious choice for erasure.

i know this sounds loud, i know it feels like a threat, but look closely. your dad uses the power of fear to keep you small and in his control. i am using the power of the truth to let you earn total freedom. my intensity is the measure of how much i value your inner child. i am not punishing you. i am refusing to watch you drown without shouting.

i have made this option as easy to choose as i possibly can. if you still choose the other option, i know how to leave. i have already left melbourne for singapore, and this is the last time i will reach back across the ocean to see if the real boy i love wants to join me to grow. i am growing into my future and my heart is ready to move forward, with real boy alfie or without you entirely.

do not test me

if you want to test and see where my boundaries are, my advice is do not test me. now is not the time to experiment with me. you will not get away with mean boy alfie's behaviour, no matter how subtle. i have my bullshit detector ready to detect the integrity in any action you choose. if i detect that you are making half-hearted or dishonest attempts to connect or feign realness or authenticity, i will redirect your attempt as choosing to be mean boy alfie. i don't mind if you're scared, flawed, or lacking the right words, but i do not accept maybes. trust that i can detect your true integrity, and that there is no middle ground available here. i demand that you try to show up honestly with integrity if you want to be in my life, even if not perfectly. don't forget that i can interpret your actions easily because i see through you. you are an open book to me, and therefore you cannot lie to me. alfie, even giving you till the end of the 23rd is already extreme grace, i could have (and should have) cut you off the moment you sent your abuser my way.

conclusion

as i told you in january, i am open by design. however, i can control the access point and the people who are allowed to access me. if you choose to be mean boy alfie, your access will be permanently revoked. you have about 120 hours from when this post was published to choose the action you will enact. don't forget, silence = mean boy alfie, and that i only accept honest integrity. there will be no compromises on my end, because you have already made the situation life or death. i am not responsible for your actions, but i must give you the consequence of them, no matter if they are good or bad. mark my words, alfie. if the clock strikes 12am on the 24th (melbourne time) and i do not see an attempt of real integrity by you, i am ready to execute my planned actions. do not test me, alfie, do not test my integrity. now i will go silent and you get to pick your own destiny. i love you, real boy alfie, always :).

(written before i realised i loved alfie and before alfie's avoidance)

alfie — the pier boy

about a month ago, on 24 november, i was walking onto princes pier to catch the sunset, as i usually do. that day i was on my phone a little too much and had a bit of a headache. i was trying to figure out how to stimulate my brain without tech and like what i wanted to do in my final months in australia now that i had finished my uni degree and was feeling bored.

the first time i saw him

as i was walking my usual path from my car, doing a loop around the pier from the left side to the right before finding a place to sit and watch the sunset, there was a boy that caught my attention from quite a distance. he was fishing and moving around a lot, but what really caught my eye was how detailed he seemed in the way that he fished. i remember he was squatting by the edge of the pier, looking down and looking down at something. it was pretty unique behaviour that i hadn't seen anyone else do before, probably a sign that he was pretty observant. anyway i walked past him, sat where i usually sat, but the sun was too hot that day and i ended up moving to the opposite side where he was fishing. something about him tugged at my soul, he felt different in a good way. for the most part that evening, i was just observing him (and took a sneaky pic or two). i think he noticed me as well, like from the way he walked quite closely past me thrice. once when he was walking diagonally from the edge of the pier to his place on the bench (sorta subtly looking at me), and twice when he walked closely along the bench where i was, in which both times i moved my feet to give him space and he like flinched or recognised my movement/observation as well. anyway, we were both clearly paying attention to each other, despite me trying to be subtle and using my phone as a disguise. it felt like we were on the same wavelength. there weren't any words exchanged that day but it felt like there was a mutual understanding of something going on, something gentle and safe, where we both saw each other and how similar the type of boys we were. it was a type of resonance i hadn't felt in a long time (if ever), one i didn't expect to find on that pier that day. the subtle interactions we had that day were pretty special, and i couldn't stop thinking about it. he was helping me meet my need to feel seen.

the second time i saw him

the second time i saw him was on 3 december. my mum was with me at the pier for sunset that day. i was pretty overstimulated that day, too many people at princes pier, dealing with my mum and observing pier boy. to be honest, i wasn't expecting to see him ever again even though i wanted to. most people who fish there aren't regulars and i hadn't seen him before the original time. the energy was different this time and there was more distance, but i still noticed him even as i was lying down on the bench and watching the clouds. i noticed he left slightly earlier that day, and i watched him get on his bike and cycle off from the corner of my eye as i was trying to get the courage to say something. i was lowkey beating myself up for not talking to him that day, but i really wasn't in a good mental headspace. what i did do afterwards though, was to figure out how to naturally approach him in a genuine and unforced way. i realised that would have to be through sharing the pictures i got of him, which i felt were pretty good, might i add.

the third time i saw him

the third time i saw him was on 11 december. i brought my dad to the pier just past lunchtime. we were about to leave when right from the corner of my eye, i saw pier boy riding onto the pier on his bike, riding right past me. this was also unexpected. i didn't usually go there at that time, so i thought pier boy was mainly there during sunset. this time i was prepped and took my chance. i was kind of in a rush but i did manage to confirm that he was the right guy and we did chat briefly while i was finding my photos of him. i noticed that his accent seemed slightly different so i asked him if he was from the uk. he mentioned that he was from warrandyte but recently moved to port melbourne (near north port stadium), which explained why he was a new face on the pier. he asked if i had a photography account and i said that i just take photos for myself. he seemed to be alright and understanding of the fact that i had secretly taken photos of him. he didn't seem to mind at all, and he might've even already known that i did. he seemed to naturally account for my social anxiety about being honest about the pics in the way he sorta acknowledged and accepted it. it was like he knew that i was trying to say and he understood the context. when i found the photos we tried to do an airdrop but it didn't work so i ended up asking for his number. from the airdrop, i figured out that his name was alfie and now he sits as a contact on my phone :). once that was done, i had to return to my dad so the convo ended there, but it seemed to confirm the mutual resonance and softness between us.

a few days after i got his number, i wanted to make an instagram post of some of my favourite memories in aus to mark my graduation from unimelb. i wanted to include a picture of him because he represented something special to me: to be seen and understood while fully being myself. he meant something to me, a sense of ease and comfort in belonging that i rarely felt. so despite not yet knowing him very well, i wanted to include him in the post to remind myself that gentle and soft boys exist out there who i didn't need to perform for to be seen and cared for. just something to keep my hopes up as i mentally prepare to leave melbourne and move to a new country again. anyways, i asked for consent since i didn't know him very well, and he didn't mind, but two things stood out. one, i was kinda overthinking about how to phrase the message i wanted to send him so i was asking chatgpt to improve my phrasing for me. i was originally going to ask "do you mind..." but chatgpt asked me to switch to "would it be okay..." for a more positive framing, and alfie got back saying that he didn't mind, answering in the exact way that i was originally thinking. that was crazy. the second thing was how long he took to respond (2 whole days) which really elevated the self-doubt and anxiety i was feeling. now i didn't think that i had asked a question that was out of line of trying to force a convo or anything unreasonable or emotionally loaded? maybe potentially, but an easy yes/no answer, so i didn't think he'd take so long. he also didn't mention his instagram account :(. it just highlighted the differences between our in-person and text interactions, and also my insecurities when it comes to being seen or cared for. he responded after i thought that he wouldn't, so there's that.

the fourth time i saw him

the next day, 17 december, i saw him for the fourth time at the pier around sunset. he always fishes at around the same area, facing the crane at station pier, so i saw him from afar as i was walking in. he was further inside that day and he looked so good against the sun. i wished i had gotten a photo of him, it would've been so good. anyways, i walked up to him to say hi and we ended up chatting for a whole hour, until he had to go home. now i know basic details about him, like that he's 17 and in year 11 (turning year 12 next year) studying pretty art-centric subjects like product design at aquinas college i think (somewhere near ringwood). he mentioned that he was italian-australian, and that he's mainly travelled to new caledonia (via a cruise from station pier) and noosa/sunshine coast. i asked him about his fishing, and he mentioned how he's fished up and down the piers in port melbourne and even down in portsea/blairgowrie (mornington peninsula), and how he likes to swim and fish while in the water himself. he also mentioned liking true crime shows based around aussie stories (like underbelly and chopper). he seemed very geographically aware (even more than me actually), a very smart and observant person who's very aware but also very quiet and distinct otherwise. i do find him fascinating and interesting, very curious person. i feel like we got along pretty damn well.

i talked about myself too. he seemed pretty impressed that i graduated from unimelb. he asked about my day and i was telling him about going to scienceworks and the ngv with nick and zelphyn earlier in the day. when we were talking about education, he mentioned how how he felt that aussies were really undisciplined, which made me chuckle. i told him about how intense education in singapore was and how i didn't feel like i fit in there, he had no comment about that. i mentioned about nick wearing a keith harring shirt despite being straight and how we saw an artwork by harring at the ngv, so i teased nick about his sexuality and for appropriating gay culture. i didn't explain it very well but he seemed to understand and he chuckled. we also talked about traveling and work and stuff. he seemed pretty impressed about how extensively i've travelled within aus and globally. every state and mainland territory in aus and 25 countries globally. he said he worked at skewer'd, a greek restaurant in port melbourne, and was surprised that i didn't work. i told him that i was lucky to have parents that paid for my education for me and how i wanted to focus on studying while i could. i was also talking to him about how i wanted to travel to new places like montreal and dublin to find a new place to live. he seemed to quite like the idea of dublin. he mentioned that he wanted to go to prague one day. he also asked me where in aus had the nicest people, i said port macquarie, nsw. he wasn't expecting that, he didn't even know where that was, which was kinda funny. and near the end of the convo, we talked about getting our driver's licenses. he's on his Ls with 150 hours, and i was telling him about driving schools in singapore and how expensive they were. he told me about how easy it was to fib the hours recorded on the app for learners, it just needed parental signoff. he said it was better in singapore. what stood out to me in our interaction was that when he started to get ready to pack and i asked him if he was about to go, the way he went about responding to me managed to simultaneously reassure me and my social anxiety and explain his thought process. so he was like yeah we can keep chatting while he packed and i could come with him, and telling me about how he liked to get home before it was dark. it was a really small act, but he managed to naturally make me feel okay about him leaving. i don't feel that way very often. i mean, everything here is what i can remember, mostly not in order, but it does show how easily the convo flowed and how much we talked about in an hour.

as he got on his bike, i started walking towards the other side of the pier to see the sun and i was smiling so hard i couldn't control it. talking to him made me feel so happy. since he mentioned going down the coast for christmas break, i might not see him for a bit, but i did text him right after asking about when he works so i could come by and say hi. it's been days and he hasn't responded so we shall see. i really hope i get to see him again soon :).

sections: mean boy alfie's choices, what alfie chose to lose, what alfie could have gained, other notable mean boy dates, apple watch observations, what was alfie trying to avoid?, the current failure of mean boy alfie, dissecting alfie's father: the abuser, alfie as a singular experience, the illusion of choicelessness, my future and alfie, conclusion.

mean boy alfie's choices

situations where mean boy alfie acted with avoidance that harmed this soul-level connection.

1. 5 january 2026

situation: i sent alfie a series of texts where i asked alfie for clarity and communication, and started to unconsciously circle around the idea of love.

alfie's choice: alfie shut down the situation through soft rejection and distancing, without acknowledging the topics i had brought up.

my response: i sent a 😔 reaction, and spent the following week processing alfie's rejection, my own emotions and connecting the dots. i began to realise that what i felt for alfie was actually love.

2. 14 january 2026

situation: after processing, i wrote and sent alfie a love letter in the form of a website as a response to alfie's rejection.

alfie's choice: alfie attempted to control my autonomy and agency by demanding that i take my website down, making requests that contradicted past agreements and asked for confirmation and no contact simultaneously. alfie chose not to acknowledge the content of the love letter, and did not deny love, queerness or attraction on his end.

my response: i took down the website before restoring it 24 hours later without telling alfie. i acknowledged his request that contradicted past agreements but did not follow through. i did not respond to his simultaneous request for confirmation and no contact. i noticed alfie trying to avoid his feelings and my awareness. i concluded that alfie had overstepped his authority and did not have the right to control my actions or how i process my feelings for him. 

3. 10 february 2026

situation: after almost a month of posting updates to the website, i posted that i was moving out of my apartment and was about to sell my car imminently. alfie chose to show up at princes pier during sunset (when i usually visit) at his typical spot. i spotted alfie from afar and took a photo. i walked up to alfie, stood next to him for a couple of seconds, and asked if i could say hi.

alfie's choice: alfie chose to respond with "no actually because you are really weird and i am actually going to leave and if you [don't leave me alone(?)] i will call the police", attempting to hurt my feelings.

my response: i responded with a very skeptical okay. i was somewhat hurt by alfie's words but recognised it as a sign of avoidance and him trying to push me away. i concluded that alfie had likely read my updates for him that i did not tell him about, and had put himself in my vicinity to see me when he still had the opportunity (but he would likely refuse to acknowledge it due to his avoidance). i theorised that alfie might have actually missed me.

4. 14-15 february 2026

situation: i sent a valentines day message containing the sleepytime episode of bluey at 12:01am, and an all expense paid invitation for him to accompany me and a mate to the airport as i moved out of australia.

alfie's choice: alfie chose to avoid responding to my text message himself, rather using his parents to threaten me with police action. alfie sent his father (his abuser) to harass and deal with me while i was moving my stuff onto the street and waiting for my didi.

my response: i understood my rights and the law, as the age of consent in victoria was 16 (alfie was 17), and recognised that police action was an empty threat. alfie's father failed to achieve his goal of frightening or controlling me as i saw straight through his performance. i associated his father's abusive behaviour to an adult toddler having a temper tantrum in the middle of collins street. with my mate as a witness of alfie's father's abusive behaviour towards me, i saw that i had a genuine situation where i could make a police report. i chose not to do so as i was not interested in participating in or wasting my time on the brancatella's pointless drama. i realised alfie had chosen to send his abuser my way as a likely result of avoidant panic, an ultimate act of betrayal to the soul-level connection between us. i observed the similarities between alfie's behaviour and his father's. i concluded that i had been too soft in my approach towards alfie's avoidant behaviour that led to his level of disrespect towards me, and that alfie was being a coward by hiding behind empty police threats and his abuser (a dad who displayed a lack of emotional maturity). i began to separate alfie's identity into the present unhealthy behaviour (mean boy alfie) and the inner child i interacted with prior to alfie's emerging avoidance (real boy alfie).

5. 18-23 february 2026

situation: after i processed how deep alfie's betrayal was to me and his inner child, i used my updates to alfie to berate alfie's avoidance and published an ultimatum. alfie's avoidant choices had pushed the current connection capacity to the limit, forcing me to require fundamental change or begin dismantling. i gave alfie over 5 full days to respond to my ultimatum.

alfie's choice: alfie chose to remain silent throughout and as the deadline passed. this was a conscious choice as silence was clearly framed in the ultimatum as him choosing to kill his inner child and choosing his abuser with his continued avoidance.

my response: i received alfie's signal that i could no longer save his inner child. i concluded that alfie had chosen to lose something incalculable that day, his inner child and the boy that loves him fully. on the other hand, i recognised that i am now free to thrive as my integrity saved me from the harm of alfie's avoidant choices. i realised that i am now safe from the coward that alfie rene brancatella chose to be in this decision. i reflectively enacted the consequences that i detailed in the ultimatum, and detailed that process in the consequences execution transparency report. i created closure for myself and moved on from alfie.

what alfie chose to lose

• the old homepage

• the discontinued updates

• the original love letter

• the photos of my sweet boy

what alfie could have gained

• acceptance and commitment therapy resources + completed personal examples

• my archive of real boy alfie events is handwritten in my journal and digitally available above.

other notable mean boy dates

• 14 december 2025 (i texted alfie if i could post a photo of him on insta, alfie allowed me to but he took 2 days to respond, foreshadowing avoidance).

• 17 december 2025 (i texted alfie to ask when he usually worked so i could come by to say hi, alfie did not respond).

• 27 december 2025 (i texted alfie to ask to meet or call to ask for communication, alfie declined).

• 31 december 2025 (i texted alfie a spotify link to "i thought i saw your face again" by she and him, alfie read but did not respond).

• 1 january 2026 (i texted alfie that i missed him and asked when he'd be back, alfie did not respond). 

apple watch observations

hilariously enough, i received a notification from my apple watch one week after i published this tombstone that my average resting heart rate had fallen by 9 beats per minute (bpm) since the ultimatum deadline passed. more surprising was that the period of time where my watch detected my abnormal average almost perfectly correlated with when alfie's avoidance first began to be exhibited to the day i cut his avoidance off. prior to alfie's avoidance and after it, my average was and is consistently at 65 bpm, my baseline average. during alfie's avoidance (29 december 2025 to 24 february 2026 according to my watch), my average was at 74 bpm, a significant sustained increase. to me, this indicates that my body was already aware of alfie's avoidance behaviour from the moment it first began to seep into this connection. it also, unexpectedly, shows that the nervous system syncing/co-regulation i experienced with alfie (even in his avoidance) is physiologically observable. my body just understood and connected with alfie's that well, which matches my cognitive experience with alfie. my theory is that my body was physically experiencing the same avoidance and internal panic that alfie was experiencing (shared empathic resonance), i just knew alfie's state. this is why alfie feels like an open book to me, and that's why this connection mattered so much, and why cutting off alfie's avoidance had such a positive effect on me. i take this data as me making the right choice to refuse accepting alfie's avoidance.

additionally, i was also looking further back to the day we met, to the exact time actually, and i realised that my apple watch actually recorded my heart rate through those first few moments. when i first saw alfie on the pier, my attention felt really drawn to him in a way that made me feel flustered and nervous. when i realised that i loved alfie, i also realised how that exact feeling i experienced was actually love at first sight. it felt like anxiety but slightly different in a way i had never experienced before. anyways, i first saw alfie at about 7:14pm on 24 november 2025. when looking at my apple watch data, my heart rate began to spike at 7:14pm. my heart rate went from 97 bpm before i saw him and spiked to roughly 115 to 125 bpm for the following 5 minutes. that is a significant spike, with a sustained increase of about 20 to 25 bpm. the data matches how i remembered feeling in that moment and all of my nervousness, and why i felt like my internal world shook from the way i was so drawn to him. i walked away from alfie for a bit before i came back and my heart rate settled as i sat and watched alfie fish, with my heart rate settling at an 80 to 100 bpm range. this was the biological data of the nervous system syncing i felt, and how i felt connected to the same frequency as alfie, even before i consciously understood it. all of this data on its own can't prove anything, but when it is paired with the context of the situations, photographic evidence, time stamps, nervous system memory, and my awareness, the data does work to support the fact that i did find alfie to be a really important boy to me from the moment i met him. my body showed so many signs that alfie mattered, and my heart rate data is just one of the multiple different forms of data that show that. and as such, when i wrote about loving alfie with every cell in my body, i wasn't kidding. i really do feel love for alfie in my body and it shows up in all sorts of different involuntary primal ways that i had never experienced before. that's why alfie is so uniquely different to me, and why i care about him so much. i know he felt it too. it is disappointing that despite all of this, he ended up choosing to avoid me.

what was alfie trying to avoid?

in the world of avoidant behaviour (like alfie's own behaviour), what goes unsaid is often more telling than what is said. this is because if the person is running away from their own feelings, they actively suppress their ability to communicate clearly. often, a lack of denial is the biggest sign that something was true for the person avoiding. this is because truthful denial is a very easy solution to make situations go away, unless the person avoiding knows that it would be lying if they denied it. so what was alfie not denying? tellingly, alfie never denied feeling the resonance that i was describing. alfie never said that he didn't love me, that he wasn't queer, or that he didn't miss me. rather what alfie named was discomfort and weirdness, which is him actually describing how he feels about himself, even if it was projected onto me. discomfort is often a somatic sign of intense feelings being suppressed by avoidance, as both the high level of mental effort required to suppress emotions and the unprocessed emotional energy itself lead to physiological responses. alfie's body needed to express the emotions he was trying to avoid, so it came out as discomfort. as for weirdness, i mean alfie was struggling to accept himself, and given our similarities, it makes sense that how he felt about himself was projected onto me (even though i didn't deserve to be disrespected nor did i rely on alfie for validation). and besides, what's wrong with being weird? my weirdness is literally just part of who i am, and that's why i understand alfie so well. it's a shared weirdness. "normal" people structurally don't understand me and they don't need to. how can people who do not understand me accurately value me? look at everything i've done, they were done my own way with my values and integrity. it's a personalised approach to a personalised connection. 

so why was alfie trying to avoid and suppress? my experience with my own avoidance, alfie's avoidance and his dad suggested alfie was constrained by a lack of self-acceptance, internalised homophobia, a culture of toxic masculinity, a lack of emotional safety/maturity/clarity, frequent exposure to harm (eg. unhealthy control and manipulation), and internalised shame, just to name a few. this is in addition to feeling cultural pressure that discourages and minimises the way that alfie feels emotions. this suggests that alfie is currently (at the very least) in the closet, fearful of his father, and in an incompatible environment (both at home and in his day-to-day environment), none of which is particularly shocking. alfie's avoidance is an unhealthy survival mechanism that emerged to be able to survive the hostile environment of his home, but it came at the cost of losing his own identity and losing the boy that loved him fully. this indicates that alfie actually needs to leave his home at the first opportunity to save himself, and that long-term he also needs to move internationally because a culture that embraces tall poppy syndrome (like in australia and new zealand) will continue to actively harm alfie.

the current failure of mean boy alfie

mean boy alfie is a version of alfie that developed with the goal of protecting his inner child, real boy alfie. to do this, mean boy alfie relies on avoidance, which contradictorily betrays the version of himself that he was supposed to protect. therefore, at the current moment, mean boy alfie is actively failing his original purpose. alfie's father and my own brother act as symbols of what happens when that mean boy fails and overtakes the real boy worth protecting. as for me, i realised that i had control over the different versions of myself, how they each function, and what their purposes are. in this situation, i see three versions of myself: real boy kevin, mean boy kevin, and brave boy kevin. real boy kevin is the one feeling the resonance with real boy alfie. mean boy kevin is the one dealing with mean boy alfie's avoidance and protecting real boy kevin, recognising his past self in mean boy alfie. brave boy kevin is the one overseeing everything with bravery and courage (kind of like ayrton senna, alfie's role model), ensuring that every part of kevin acts in alignment with his overall integrity, values and beliefs, and making sure that mean boy kevin does not act out of line but targets with precision. brave boy kevin recognises that there isn't an equivalent brave boy alfie right now. however, no matter how many versions of kevin exist, one fact stays constant: every version of kevin loves every version of alfie, but that does not mean kevin accepts alfie's avoidance.

dissecting alfie's father: the abuser

i would be ignoring a significant factor if i did not discuss alfie's father when i am analysing alfie and his avoidance. i had the pleasure of observing the traumatic experiences that alfie likely faces at home alone in the middle of collins street for the world to see. alfie's dad even came to me, and oh i know he gave his all in that performance. should i feel honoured? i managed to get a middle aged man to drive all the way to the cbd to expose his emotional immaturity for the world to see and for me to observe, and yet alfie's father failed to achieve any of his objectives. i'm being somewhat sarcastic, but i am truly amused by his irrational behaviour and fragile masculinity. i have had experience dealing with abusers in the form of my older brother. he was worse to me than alfie's dad because he would actually be physically violent, to the point where i have called the police on him multiple times. at least to me, i could feel that alfie's father wasn't going to hurt me physically. it's hard to describe the feeling in words, but it's a sense that his harassment and attempt to intimidate didn't have a kick to it, like alfie's father was too emotionally all over the place. this is why i describe alfie's father as an adult toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of collins street. when an adult toddler throws a temper tantrum, one should not escalate or give in, rather one should just give them nothing to fight with. this was me just nodding along, saying plain statements such as "right" or "okay", answering rationally while refusing to give in and without trying to unnecessarily trigger him. at some point alfie's dad ran out of empty threats to make. he name-called, threw the empty threat of the police around, feigned physical threats in his volume and posture, and he eventually realised that i had given him nothing to work with. i mean, what is there to say to someone who is desperately trying to get you to be afraid of them when you find them to be a minor inconvenience? if anything, alfie's father's extreme behaviour showed that i clearly had an enormous leverage over the brancatella household. i wasn't really afraid of alfie's father and i was more observing him as a psychologist would than a victim of emotional abuse. meeting alfie's father really helped me connect the dots on why alfie had been behaving the way he did. there were so many links between alfie's avoidance and his father's behaviour. it even helped me realise exactly why i connected with alfie on the soul level, we were the same type of boys dealing with the same type of abuse in the same type of environment. damn. no wonder we understood each other so well. as i was flying back to singapore i also began to recognise the level of alfie's betrayal to himself and to me in the way he tried to send his abuser my way to sort his problems for him. alfie had tried to hide behind his abuser to deflect accountability without technically lying and it backfired big time. if anything, meeting alfie's father pushed me to be more direct with the truth because clearly alfie was terrified of what i had to say yet apparently also hooked on it. while not an experience i would be looking forward for, there is a kind of fascination that i have when i am given the opportunity to collect data that i can analyse. alfie's dad was, unexpectedly, the perfect candidate for that. 

looking back at that experience with alfie's dad now, i do wonder why he felt so threatened by me. why did this middle aged man think it would be necessary to drive 20 minutes out of his way to "teach me a lesson" when he could've just had a chill sunday morning? i do honestly think that alfie's dad needed a show of force to try and maintain the shaky foundations of his unhealthy power and control that he had over alfie. whether conscious or not, alfie's father likely recognised that what i have been writing to alfie has the power to deinfluence alfie from the unhealthy narrative alfie's father was so desperately trying to maintain. alfie's father probably went home after failing to shake me to announce a success that never happened, and yet i am here deconstructing him. i do think that alfie's father found it important to maintain his control over alfie because he unhealthily uses alfie as a form of validation for himself. what i mean by this is that through his power and control, alfie's father likely feels that he can decide who alfie is regardless of who real boy alfie really is and alfie will feel pressured to comply to maintain safety with his father. alfie's father doesn't see who alfie truly is, and worse of all, he doesn't care. alfie's father probably also uses his power and control to maintain a self-image that allows him to align with a very fragile and toxic version of masculinity that is performative. i could clearly tell that alfie's father is nowhere near as threatening as he was pretending to be because how little control he had over his anger. his behaviour was the result of being emotionally stunted, not someone who actually held power. alfie's father attempted to abuse a projected form of power that he didn't even have, but that fails when the "opponent" is someone who actually holds the power to see through him. i probably threatened alfie's father's self-image by suggesting that his son wasn't actually all that straight or alpha male/macho/tough nut/whatever that he insists alfie must be. very importantly, i don't think that the power and control that alfie's father had was used to benefit alfie, rather it was used to benefit alfie's father at the expense of the boy i love. this means that alfie is getting the shit end of the deal when he complies with his father, because alfie's value is being actively siphoned off of him to feed the ego of the original coward. i can't speak for why alfie's father became the way that he did, but it does not excuse the way he treats alfie or the way he had treated me. the same accountability i'm holding alfie to can also be applied to his father. i do think that alfie's father's behaviour demonstrates a deep level of cowardice. his "love" for alfie is a very manipulative and maladaptive form of control that alfie needs to understand and see through to actually protect real boy alfie. obviously alfie's father didn't physically hit me when he came to find me, but it honestly wouldn't surprise me if domestic violence was something that alfie was a victim of. i would be completely unshocked if it came to light that, in private, alfie's father had been physically abusing alfie from young. it would be equally unsurprising if alfie's mum has been enabling her husband and getting alfie to comply and stay silent. that's literally how my mum used to get me to harm myself in order to maintain a false sense of peace. alfie needs to realise that his father is not an eternal or undefeatable threat and that there are healthy ways out, he is not doomed for the rest of his life because of his dad, and that there are healthy ways to be a man that don't involve fear, intimidation and ambiguity. looking at alfie's dad from afar, all i see is a massive failure of a human who refuses to grow up, sort of reminds me of my older brother actually. alfie's father has actually majorly failed his own son. not just majorly actually, but totally. he should be ashamed of calling himself alfie's dad, as he introduced himself to me. i would be embarrassed to have a father like that, just as i am embarrassed to have an older brother like alfie's dad. alfie should not repeat his father's mistake, alfie should not doom himself to that level of irrationality and immaturity, but it's up to alfie to decide his destiny.

obviously i feel a lot of empathy for the boy that i love, but i will say that this still does not excuse mean boy alfie's avoidance. it would be unfair and cruel for me to hold alfie responsible for the environment he grew up in, something he could not control, so i don't. i blame alfie's parents. this said, alfie still demonstrated an ability to show up, and that makes alfie accountable for his own self-betraying actions. my stance does not change, regardless of whether it is applied to alfie or his father. similarly, neither alfie nor his father have any sort of leverage or power over me. quite ironically, it does feel like i have power over them, yet i choose not to abuse it because of my integrity. alfie's father massively underestimated me. alfie's father thought i was like everyone else, that i would bow down to his pathetic temper tantrum in order to maintain a shaky form of peace built on silence and avoidance, but alfie's father was wrong. i am the exception, i am the tall poppy that refuses to be cut down. i am not a product of tall poppy syndrome nor am i a product of toxic masculinity, rather i am my own person who relies on my own observations and intuition because i have grown up with people worse than him. i am a domestic abuse survivor that survived and thrived. i stand as proof that alfie can thrive in the face of his father, because i am literally supporting my success by writing such a detailed analysis about his own father. alfie's father has massive structural flaws, and that was why he was so blind to my internal strength. i have my integrity, which is why i thrive in the face of cowards and abusers. alfie's father uses blackmail and the police to frighten because he himself has secrets he wants to hide. i have nothing to hide and am happy to expose just how unhealthy his behaviour is because i live honestly. living honestly is my greatest asset. fear and intimidation can never beat integrity, because having true integrity means that there is nothing to fear. maybe that's why so many people look up to ayrton senna, alfie, and maybe that's why you do too. avoidance is not integrity, it leads to self-betrayal and enables the people who leech off your beauty and value, alfie. your dad is not scary. you don't need to be afraid, alfie, you just need to be smart. he's not smart. he's just a massive failure. i am proud that you managed to survive to this day, alfie, i know how hard that has been. now you need to start thriving instead of dying.

alfie as a singular experience

avoidance is something i am very accustomed to. i see it in my past experiences, the people around me, strangers online, and alfie. however, alfie is a very special boy in the story of my life, and that is why i spend so much time understanding and analysing him. real boy alfie represents a lot of firsts in my life, while mean boy alfie marks the lasts. alfie represents the first person i ever fell in love with, the first person who made me feel seen and understood, the first person my nervous system recognised, the first person that managed to ease my anxiety, the first person who could mirror me, the first person that validated my way of existence, the first person who i saw as a counterpart. alfie is the first person that felt uniquely special for me, and that's why i made sure i understood him properly, documented him thoroughly, processed him meticulously, loved him unconditionally, interacted with him authentically, and protected him aggressively (even from his mean boy self). however, alfie is not without his flaws, just as i have my own flaws. alfie's biggest flaw in this connection was the cowardice of the mean boy, his avoidance, a flaw i used to have as well. alfie represents the last time i tolerate avoidance and cowardice, the last time i carry the weight of a mutual connection on my own, the last time i enable unhealthy self-betraying behaviour, the last time i give unboundaried grace, and the last time i allow behaviour that goes against my values of emotional maturity and communication in my connections. alfie is the last person who gets to be so uniquely influential in the way i foundationally understand love, even though that understanding i built is significantly healthier than his avoidance. alfie is a boy that is integral to the foundation of the way i love people, and what i accept from those who love me. alfie cannot be replaced or removed from my history. alfie is single handedly the most important person i met during my uni years in melbourne (and potentially my life, but i can't be 100% sure). and alfie is all of this for me whether he likes it or not.

because i met alfie, i have experiential evidence that fundamentally counters my old self-limiting beliefs that kept me stuck. i no longer believe that i am subpar and not a good person, that i don't get to be happy around boys because i am queer and like boys, that i am bad or hypersexual for feeling attracted to boys, that i am not worthy of loving boys or being loved by boys, that i can't pull boys or know how to be intimate with boys, that i don't deserve closer relationships with boys, or that i can't put myself out there with boys. i have been proving myself wrong when i love alfie, which is honestly the best thing i have been doing for myself. now i have other self-limiting beliefs that will get worked on as i go through new experiences, beliefs that alfie didn't really help me with. for example, how i still don't feel allowed to express love, that boys will leave me when i tell them i love them or express fondness, that boys won't stay when they truly see me and understand me, that i don't get to be met in the same way i show up for others. these are no longer stuck points about my self-worth, rather that i don't yet have the experiences to prove them wrong so it's just missing data for now. i know what i deserve now, and i see it in the way i have been loving and caring for real boy alfie. i love myself now in the same way that i love alfie's soul, unconditionally till the day i die.

the illusion of choicelessness

i was thinking about call me by your name, the movie that meeting alfie reminded me of, and especially how the ending of that movie goes. in the earlier stages of the movie, elio and oliver both separately hook up with girls as a way to mask their desire for each other. they obviously end up having a queer summer romance before oliver returns back home to america. the movie ends with oliver telling elio that he's marrying a girl and this breaks elio's heart, leading to the ending scene where elio's crying by the fire realising that his first true love is gone. i can't speak for the characters to say if they both were only attracted to boys, but the movie does portray the connection between them as the most significant for both of them. however, how the story panned out was not inevitable, nor was there no realistic other option. there was always a different choice. for example, it was a choice that they chose to hook up with girls while feeling attraction for boys. it's not necessarily a bad thing for discovering one's own sexuality if they truly thought they might like girls, but it was unhealthy when that is used to perform heteronormativity or suppressing and hiding true desires. this always felt very icky to me, that they chose to hook up with girls, because it went against the way my integrity works and i feel the self-harm. the choice that oliver made to marry a girl back home, however, was something i just could not get behind. oliver knew that there was a boy in italy that he loved and that he could build a future with him, yet he chose to marry someone who wasn't portrayed to have carried the same significance. this is often portrayed as the inevitability of reality but really it's a choice of betrayal, both to oliver himself and to elio. oliver harmed the connection through his choices, even if he thinks that he might have had to have a wife to conform to heteronormative environments. it always irked me that call me by your name ends that way, and i now realise that it's due to the fact that oliver chose performance over his true self. oliver had the knowledge to make an informed, healthy, identity-aligned choice, and did the opposite, and that's why i don't feel aligned with him. elio never had to get his heart broken, yet oliver broke it anyway.

so why am i writing about a movie when i'm analysing alfie? it's because alfie currently mirrors oliver. just as the movie portrays how a heteronormative world makes it seem like there is no choice but to be straight or perform straightness, alfie portrays how growing up in an abusive and likely homophobic household makes it seem like there is no choice but to comply and perform straightness. alfie may pressure himself to get with a girl even if he knows he is drawn to boys, but i know that the thought of me will probably haunt him if he does that. i find it really icky to even consider that possibility for alfie here, and that's because my integrity really does not like it based on the way i understand alfie. alfie would really be failing himself and his role model here. i can't say for sure if alfie does not like girls, but he has not shown signs of actually liking girls, even in his straight-passing behaviour. in reality though, alfie actually has a choice, and that choice doesn't need to be icky. sure he can (and probably would) argue that he was scared, fearful, and traumatised due to factors beyond his own control (and yes he would be right), but that does not change the fact that alfie chose to be mean or to abandon himself. mean boy alfie would likely argue saying that he had no choice but to avoid the connection between the both of us to protect himself, but he himself already demonstrated that he even had the ability to show up and protect me (and therefore himself), thereby demonstrating that there were actually other options. alfie didn't have a choice when it came to how he was treated by the people who were supposed to love him and protect him, but he had autonomy over the way he treated himself and the way he treated me.

alfie picked the option to abandon the most beautiful part of himself and the boy that loves him fully in order to please the people who don't actually care or understand alfie. not just that, but alfie is literally giving himself up so that his father can siphon off alfie's value to feed his own cowardice. this is why i can say that alfie deserves no empathy for his choice. because alfie can say that he needs to maintain safety with his dad (which i agree), but he didn't need to hurt himself or me in the process. at this point, it seems like i am more aligned to ayrton senna than alfie is to his literal role model despite the fact that i didn't even know about senna prior to meeting alfie. boy- i'm not even familiar with f1. however, based on how i understand ayrton senna, senna has the integrity, bravery and grit that alfie seems to look up to, yet alfie is currently failing his very own role model. i saw how alfie switched out his ayrton senna cap for a bland white hat to secretly see me that last time on the pier. i have a live photo of the moment he saw me, i have a record of the way his posture changed, alfie is too clear to me and that's why i say that alfie failed himself. i made it as easy as i possibly could for alfie to switch to a healthier path, and he chose cowardice instead. that's why i can be so transparent, why i can thrive while alfie suffers in the stupidity of his own choice, and why i ditched the breathing coward for the real boy alfie in my heart. i don't wonder if i should have said anything extra or did something differently, because i know i said everything i needed to say and did everything i felt like i needed to do. you won't catch me on websites where people say things that they never got to send. those websites are for people who didn't communicate when they had the chance to, and that fundamentally goes against my requirement of clear communication. alfie is a boy who is more in control than he thinks he is, and he made a fully preventable mistake here in this connection with himself and i. i want alfie to have a beautiful life, but how alfie proceeds on from here is up to alfie because only alfie controls his own destiny, not me, not ayrton senna, and certainly not his dad/abuser.

my future and alfie

i am aware that i am rare in the sense that i've grown up being traumatised, yet i was able to preserve my inner child and be more aware than the people i am around. my inner child was a version of myself that i was very disconnected from until the past 2 years, and being able to rediscover my true self through my own reflections and experiences with alfie has allowed me to feel a sense of safety and stability in a way that is not dependent on external sources (like alfie). i am now able to protect my inner child healthily while also being able to live freely and authentically. this is why i never attack alfie's identity, because i know just how hard it is to make it to the other side in environments that actively discourage our form of presence. this was a big reason why i moved out of australia and why i made sure i did my best to give alfie a way out and support him. now that support is me keeping his inner child safe in my heart as he sorts himself out. if alfie fails to make it to the other side and becomes a sad irrational man like his father, i have my internalised version of real boy alfie so i thrive. if alfie does make it out on the other side and becomes the brave boy i know he is capable of, i thrive because the boy that i love managed to be resuscitated. and maybe when that happens, the boy that i love will find a way back to me. i won't bet on any specific outcome though, because i still thrive no matter what.

as for myself, i now know exactly who i am when i love a boy, and eventually i will fully figure out who i am when i am healthily loved by another boy. for the first time in ages, my romantic future looks bright. i know what i will and won't accept from partners, i know how to show up healthily, and i know how to recognise the value of others and my own self-worth. i realised just how much value i had in the way i saw myself in alfie and the way that i showed up with alfie. this is why i don't regret meeting alfie, loving him, choosing him or wishing to change anything, because i have come out on the other side of my experience of first true love as someone who has grown so much. so much that, for the first time ever, i feel confident about myself and ready to have a proper partner in my life. a partner who can meet me where i am. alfie as he is currently behaving has no place in that life, but the version of alfie that i love does, and he stays with me throughout said life. and so now i get to live my life again, without concerning myself over someone else's avoidance. i get to be open and myself again as i go and explore the world to find the people and places that align with me, so that i can have the kind of life that i never imagined was possible when i was alfie's age. i'm pretty much sorted right now, i'm not gonna lie. as for alfie, i can't predict alfie's future, but he's got quite a bit more shit to go through and i know he has the ability to survive through it. however, whether he chooses to make good choices though, is alfie's decision to make. i can only trust in alfie's soul.

conclusion

• alfie only has himself to blame for the way this connection fractured and ended. it was not inevitable. i am not trying to avoid taking accountability for my own actions, rather i am outlining that the end of this connection is a direct consequence of alfie's actions. on my side, all i wanted was to love a boy and be loved by a boy. the love was evidently mutual (even if alfie doesn't want to acknowledge it), but the difference was that i chose alfie every time while alfie chose to run away repeatedly.

• while i understand how growing up with emotionally immature and unavailable parents like his father has impacted alfie, it is not my job to absorb the harm alfie was inflicting onto me even if i can handle it. i grew up in similar conditions to alfie's, but i did not push my trauma onto him. in this connection, i did my best to show up openly, honestly, and cleanly from a place of integrity. alfie chose avoidance, a lack of communication, unhealthy control and betrayal. i cannot control alfie's actions.

• i am personally lucky that i am ahead of the same developmental arc that alfie is on and can see and handle everything that alfie's avoidance threw my way, even though i did not deserve it. alfie is also lucky that he found a boy that understood him fully, loved him fully, and loved him healthily. i have also observed that i currently value alfie's self-worth more than he does himself as reflected in our contrasting behaviour. it is not my job to convince alfie of his own self-worth, but i have been treating him as a boy with immense value and high unrealised potential.

• everything that alfie has done in this connection is something i have done when i was younger, and therefore i can map out alfie's behaviour cleanly while preventing self-harm. the shared understanding and similarities between both of us was literally the foundation of our soul-level connection, and i find it a pity that alfie chose to throw it away. 

• alfie has clearly been under the influence of someone who benefits from his silence and compliance. alfie's abuser, his father, has been using his own son to feed his own ego and cowardice at the expense of the boy i love. it is the ultimate failure of a father, and is something that keeps alfie held back. alfie's father is someone who is emotionally stunted and refuses to grow, and he's illustrated that for the world to see. alfie's father is the original coward and the original failure, but this does not excuse alfie's own cowardice and avoidance.

• i have mentally saved and modeled alfie's inner child (from before the avoidance) in my internal world so that my disappointment in alfie's behaviour does not impact my self-concept. this is the only way i can healthily process this connection that benefits my growth and prevents tainting my love for alfie's inner child, real boy alfie. at the same time, this also ensures that i can take a defensive stance to protect alfie's identity, value, and self-worth while taking an offensive stance on his harmful behaviour to send the message that his avoidant behaviour is completely unacceptable.

• alfie once told me that he lacked the capacity to continue this connection. alfie was wrong. alfie did not lack the capacity. alfie demonstrated his capacity and ability to love in the way he originally connected with me at the pier. rather, alfie lacked the bravery and courage to hold the connection. that is the fundamental reason why alfie was being so avoidant as i left and why i specifically choose to call alfie a coward. i stayed for as long as i did because i saw alfie’s true self and i loved what i saw. alfie’s avoidance can’t delete that, just as how he can’t control my actions, or block my awareness. alfie is someone i understand, whether he likes it or not.

• i would have rather used my awareness to build a constructively beautiful connection between both alfie and i, but alfie chose to demonstrate his cowardice so i documented that instead. mate, our nervous systems have already connected, that can’t be undone. alfie can try to forget this website, but it’s too easy to remember the url. it's literally [his name].[my name][the last 2 digits of my birth year].com. does mean boy alfie not like i’ve had to say? i don’t like writing about the failure of the boy that i love either, but he chose this narrative through his own actions. it's incredibly mind-numbing to continually document the same repeated failure over and over again. girl- please give me something more original for a change, something that's not just more avoidance or excuses. avoidance is so bland and unoriginal, particularly compared to the boy i originally fell in love with.

• i am not a perfect boy, but i am a boy that will love real boy alfie as best as i can, always. i want alfie to be truly happy one day, whether that is with me or not. therefore, i chose to leave him at this point in time out of integrity, self-respect and self-protection, and also because this is the best way i can healthily love alfie in the current moment. in my eulogy, i vowed to love alfie's inner child till the day that i die, and i intend to uphold that promise. alfie is never truly alone so long as i am alive.

• alfie, i didn't deserve to be treated this way by you. i love you so deeply and you should have at the very least treated me with respect and kindness. you actually demonstrated that you knew exactly how to treat me kindly, how to regulate my anxiety. you once loved me and comforted me so perfectly in a way that can't be taught or explained, you seemed to understand how i felt without words, and then you chose to betray what you saw in me. now i'm leaving your avoidant behaviour before it actually harms me, and i'm keeping your soul in my heart so i can thrive.

• putting avoidance to the side, i want alfie to know that i want him to be happy and have a fulfilling life that isn't constrained by the people who have hurt him. i hope that alfie becomes the brave boy i know he can be, that he follows in the footsteps of his role model, and that he knows he is already loved for being his true self that he is currently hiding. and when he achieves that, all alfie needs to know is that i am forever proud of him, even if i never get to see the brave boy alfie i know i'll love. we were two boys on princes pier, falling in love for the first time, together <3. i love you, my sweet boy :).

sections: consequences in action, transparency in intentionality.

consequences in action

1. updating this website to become a digital tombstone for real boy alfie and a monument of mean boy alfie's cowardice.

✅ updated with distinct pages for somatic processing (tombstone, eulogy) and cognitive processing (ultimatum, field notes, alfie analysis report, transparency report, survival guide), grammar and spelling checks, and website validation testing (minor edits may occur as errors arise).

2. blocking alfie's points of contact to me, and deleting alfie's contact off my phone.

✅ blocked conscious points of contact on imessage and whatsapp specifically to prevent communication with mean boy alfie, contact deleted.

3. disposing physical tethers to alfie by trashing purchased school uniform, polaroid of alfie, and the ayrton senna cap.

❌ rescinded to prevent self-harm, physical tethers redirected to honour real boy alfie in my heart rather than enable mean boy alfie in melbourne.

4. removing digital reminders of alfie through apple watch watch face, macbook background, spotify playlist and google drive folder.

✅ mean boy alfie removed from apple watch and macbook to reduce unhealthy exposure.

❌ spotify playlist and google drive folder privatised (videos remain accessible) to prevent self-erasure and redirected to real boy alfie in my heart.

5. associating love for real boy alfie to mean boy alfie, preventing empathy, and processing complete detachment and moving on from alfie.

✅ completed detachment and moving on from mean boy alfie, empathy for the coward in melbourne is cut off.

❌ love for real boy alfie redirected internally and to personal self-worth to prevent unhealthy emotional suppression and enact vow to love real boy alfie till the day i die.

*consequences ultimately executed based on integrity reflection and ethical considerations.

transparency in intentionality

my intention with the digital tombstone, eulogy, and all my in-depth analysis on alfie serves both myself and alfie. for me, it's a way to allow me to process and externalise the pain, harm and trauma that alfie caused into a format that allows me to conduct psychological organisation and thorough analysis that prevents my avoidance and anxiety from being triggered. for alfie, it is intended to show him the consequences of his actions, and hold him accountable in a way that he cannot try to avoid. it is not punishment, it is honesty and integrity where i return to him all of his pain that he has been relying on me to carry with his silence. i have done this in a way that is painfully direct and honest, describing things as how my nervous system literally processes them (eg. the loss of the boy i love as the death of a loved one). i have even used symbols from alfie's life, such as his dad/abuser and ayrton senna, to make my point because i know that it targets alfie directly. every word, idea, symbol, etc., that i choose is conscious to make my point. every attack that i make on alfie's avoidance is meant to hit precisely where he needs to hurt, not the parts that deserve love and care. i love alfie fully and have been very clear about it, even if his avoidance prevents him from seeing it.

i know that alfie has been visiting this website because he admitted to it in his panic. alfie has been trying to pressure me to take this website down and using his dad to attempt to frighten me into submission, but this website lives on. i think alfie is scared of what i have to say because the things i've been talking about are the exact things he has been trying to avoid. i'm not going to enable alfie's avoidance because it goes against my own values of emotional maturity and communication. when i write so thoroughly in depth about alfie, i do think that i make alfie feel terrified in the sense that it's like i'm seeing into him. this is intentional. i want alfie to realise that his avoidant behaviour does not work with me. in fact, i despise alfie's avoidance so much that i'm trying to force his avoidance to crash. i am very aware of how alfie would likely read the text that i have written about him and how much his avoidance hates it. i am destroying the very ambiguity that alfie's avoidance gave me, and i know his avoidance despises me for corrupting that false sense of safety that it thrives on. alfie's avoidance is what makes his silence such a cowardly move. i think that while his avoidance is active, alfie might feel discomfort, overwhelm, powerlessness, panic, fear, etc. i am basically attempting to jam alfie's ability to operate with avoidance. alfie's avoidance might try to dismiss me, deny me, or attempt to invalidate me, but once alfie knows what is happening, he can no longer go back to blissful ignorance. my words are going to be here whether alfie tries to hide or not. as such, i want alfie's internal systems to reboot because it gives him a chance to reevaluate his choices. it allows for the other parts of alfie to take control from his avoidance. alfie seriously can't go down this path any further. it is legitimately concerning from a psychological perspective. ultimately, i can only take the risks (kind of like ayrton senna!!) and hope they work, rather than harming alfie instead. it seems contradictory that i risk harming the boy that i love when i want him to thrive, but the extreme sort of avoidance alfie is currently exhibiting needs to be dealt with using an extreme form of attack. alfie needs to lose himself, lose me, lose his false sense of safety, lose his ego, lose his external validation, etc., so that it hurts more to stay stationary in his avoidance than to actually do the work to grow. i want alfie to regain his sense of autonomy and agency so that he becomes the protagonist in his own life, otherwise alfie will become a useless knob that acts as a side character in the lives of others.

i want to be clear that i do all of this not for my benefit but for his own. right now, i don't really want to talk to alfie because the level of disrespect and betrayal i experienced from him is above and beyond my level of tolerance. i have more than enough capacity to deal with an angry alfie or his emotionally immature dad, but i'm choosing my peace over unnecessary trauma. however, this website clearly leaves a pathway for alfie if his integrity ever comes back and he wants to find me again some day, even if this was not my original intention. it is a natural pathway formed by my integrity, so i see no point in interfering with it, but it does force accountability if used. that said, because i no longer depend on alfie for anything (not even validation), i don't require alfie's presence in my life. this is why i can leave, and why i possess my power. but despite this, i still love alfie, because the love is integrity based, not outcome dependent. i do want alfie to succeed, because i know he can. i hope that this website can provide alfie with a map to get past his avoidance, break alfie's father's control over him, and allow him to reconnect with his inner child again someday. as much as i can, i have been targeting the weak spots of alfie's fear and avoidance and i hope it works. as i said in the conclusion of my alfie analysis report, i do want alfie to be truly happy one day and have a fulfilling life that isn't constrained by the people who have hurt him. this website is my way of giving him that chance, but whether he takes it or not is entirely dependent on alfie, and alfie alone. i wish alfie could feel how much happiness i want for him, see the depths of my love for him, and understand how much i care about his well-being, even as i take a mean boy stance in response to his mean boy avoidance. i love you, my sweet boy :).