january 2026 updates

ps. i'm chilling at the steps of parliament right now and i'm the only person here. i love you, alfie, always :).

i was trying to do a heart in that photo, because y'know... i love you (oop-). guilty 🤐. anyways, this morning i was watching this tiktok about how love changes when it ends, and i would like to say that i disagree with it very much, especially when i think about it through the context of you. basically this tiktoker (@jonasluskey) was talking about how you can't go back to loving someone the way you once did because your environments and experiences have changed. compatibility based on context. that stuff that people once loved about each other changes and there's no going back. despite me disagreeing, i understood his point. he is talking about context-dependent love. the kind of love that develops from shared interests and whatever. the type of love i experience with you is resonant love. that kind of love isn't dependent on context because no matter if i see you tomorrow or 10 years from now, you would still be fundamentally the same boy inside even as you grow and your context changes. the compatibility we had doesn't change regardless of context. i love the boy that you are, strengths, weaknesses, and everything in between. i guess that the type of love i have for you is pretty uncommon, it's the type that persists even when things are hard, regardless of whether i feel happy, sad, mad, or anything else. for us, i would say that the love i experienced for you has changed me, but the potential isn't gone, it's still there ready to be explored whenever you are ready for that. i wish i could've been clearer about that in my goodbye letter but i'm only now able to express that in words. i don't think most people are talking about the kind of love that i have for you when they talk about love. straight people especially, smh. the funny thing is that even as you have retreated into your space, the love i have for you grows. i mentioned this yesterday. that is definitely not typical for the kind of seperation we had. i'm not longing for a memory of you or anything surface-level like that because we didn't have anything much like that. rather, i love the boy that i saw, the one on the pier and the one deep in overwhelm and anxiety more and more everyday. somebody sedate me. for now, i'm just going to let it grow though, because it feels healthy and the worst thing i can do is to suppress or negatively interfere with it. i guess that's why i always hated dating apps even though i have used them, and why i despise the advice of "oh get a hobby" or "you just need to put yourself out there". makes me want to pull my hair out. most dating advice doesn't work for a deep boy like me. i always knew that i had to find people naturally, and i did find you naturally. as long as i went about doing things with the intention of finding love or a partner, i knew i wouldn't find it. my energy and intentions would be compromised. i also think that is why i developed such a deep depth of love for you without knowing it consciously, because it wasn't something that i was forcing. it was completely natural and subconscious. i just realized it eventually. you were a boy i loved from the day i met you, even before i myself knew it. and so, i fervently disagree with that straight boy on tiktok. my love for you is stronger than what he was talking about, it's the kind that's reserved for you and my inner child. i just wish you knew that, how much i love you and how pure that love is. you are the boy that i love. i love you, alfie, always :).

30 january 2026 (2)

i was at the pier lying on the bench watching the sunset and i was texting funny pictures of my face to my friend over whatsapp. she was venting and i was laughing because it was lowkey kinda funny. kept sending her like random goofy selfies, that helped improve my mood. i also realized that you would probably be really lucky to have me as a boyfriend, oop-, just as i am lucky to have found you. i don’t mean that in a i'm better than you way, just an i also have value way. i’m not just a boy that loves you, i’m also a boy that’s funny and goofy and open enough to laugh at myself about it. anyways, don’t forget that you have immense value and you are loved (by me definitely)!! i love you, alfie, always :).

30 january 2026 (1)

this is a photo i took of you the second time i saw you, in early december. i was with my mum that day and i was really mentally out of it because of her. i don't know if you noticed. i was lying on the bench watching you and the clouds and i remember feeling really sad that you left early that day. i remember watching you from the corner of my eye packing up and riding off as i was lying there and all i thought was why didn't i go to say hi. i didn't expect to see you again because people who fish on princes pier usually don't fish there frequently. i think it sets the tone for today's post.

i will say upfront that because i don't know if you read these posts, i don't know if my honesty actually affects you. i don't have site analytics turned on as that data would probably make me feel really anxious. if you are reading, that would probably make me feel happy, less alone, while you get to observe my life in a way that comfortable for you. if you aren't reading this, i probably am happy that i don't know, because i would feel so alone, but it also incentivises me to be more honest since i might really just be talking to myself.

i've been feeling pretty down the past few days now that i'm back in melbourne. i know that melbourne is not for me, and it probably isn't for you either. tall poppy syndrome, love it (link). i have been missing you a lot more now that i'm back and by myself again. last night as i was sleeping, i realized that as i’ve been spending my time apart from you, my love for you has been growing deeper and deeper. i didn’t expect that. i knew that the love would probably would stay big, but without you around, i didn’t think it would still develop so much. it seems counterintuitive. i guess as i understand and further process everything, i just keep realizing how much you mean to me, and yet i still have to respect your space. it sucks so bad, but i don’t want to bother you and make you feel bad just because i miss you so badly, but i still wish i could see you and kiss you. i love you so much that i doing even know what to do with myself. i feel like i keep failing you. i don’t always feel strong. i wish i could be better for you. i just feel so tortured.

at the same time, i feel so mad at the universe (not you) that i am in a situation where i am alone again, especially when love is quite literally shared between people, ie not by myself. if i was experiencing love by myself, it wouldn't be love anymore. rather it would be projection and fantasy, which i have experienced before with my crushes so i know how different that feels. it's like i made it though so much shit in my life, literally facing death head on and making it out alive, and i don't get a break. i feel like i'm eternally punished for being who i am. a boy who is barely understood, and when i find the boy who understands me and i feel love, i don't even get to rest in that because the circumstances don't align right now. i have just always been alone, but now i'm alone knowing you exist but being unable to reach out to you. it feels cruel. i know that i have experienced enough pain in my 22 years of life to cover multiple people's pain in their entire lives, yet i'm the one that can't catch a break. all i want to do is to love you and be with you, and i find myself having to care for my inner child who's crying because i can't find you. i have never experienced such a pure and honest type of love before and sometimes my fears and anxiety tell me that it's because i'm too much which is why you get overwhelmed by me. i don't believe my anxiety but it's definitely working hard to try getting to me. 

my worst fear is that you are the only boy that gets me and i ruined it. maybe you can relate to that too. i know that rationally i just need to be myself with you and that it will work out. i trust that if we are meant to have a future that we will be okay. but sometimes it's so hard to see that in the thick of my feelings. i found the boy that got me. in all of the places i have been to, and all of the boys i have met and caught my attention, you were the only boy who noticed me the same way i noticed you. the fact that we don't even need to talk to be present together speaks volumes. you are the boy that means the most to me, which is why it hurts the most that you're the person i can't hang out with right now. you are the only boy that truly matters to me and i'm stuck with a no contact boundary. i just feel so useless. i keep feeling like i'm failing you, but all of my actions thus far were made rationally and intentionally because i love you. i stand by my actions, even the mistakes, because i thought i was doing the best thing at the time given what i knew at the time. 

i don't want us to just fall apart because of miscommunication. what we have between us is too valuable to not allow a future for. i don't know what the future looks like but i can see a future with you because that's how well we connected. i wouldn't even write this blog if i thought that there was no chance of a future with you. what's the point of archiving if i thought this was done and over, or if i thought you were the wrong person. i have insanely high standards because i don't conform to performative ideals of love. if i love someone, it's because i actually love who they are, not what the world thinks. i am literally queer, and the world already doesn't love that. and while i say that, i also want to point out that high standards literally just mean you being yourself. you meet exactly what i have been searching for all my life so effortlessly that it actually surprises me. because of you, i realized that my standards aren't expectations that can be taught, but a level of compatibility that either exists or not. i love every part of you without judgement, because i know that you are a real boy that is fundamentally just like me.

i keep looking at your photos and i just feel all of the love i have for you. somehow i found the perfect boy for me one day on the pier. even what you think your flaws are is perfect to me, because i am also not a perfect boy. and i just wish you knew that, that your anxiety is wrong, just like how i know mine is wrong too. i know an anxious boy when i see one, and i knew that your nervous system was just like mine. you could instinctively anticipate my anxiety even before i felt anxious. that is incredible. and it also means i can anticipate yours too. that's probably a big reason why i love you so much, why i hate the no contact. i know that your anxiety has the upper hand right now, i just feel it, and i'm just seeing the boy i love be unfairly treated and in pain and i can't do anything to stop it. i love you so much and i hate even imagining you in pain. i wish i could give you comfort but i know that contact right now would hurt you more than no contact for me. i can only leave a trail of breadcrumbs and hope you notice one day that i have always loved you and that i never gave up on you.

i'm trying to find the right balance between respecting the space you asked for and making sure that i express what needs to be expressed. i don't want to end up on one of those unsent message websites because i was too chicken to tell you what needed to be said. i refuse to live in the regret of not having said something when i had the chance. we only get one life, and i would rather take the risk of being hated by the boy i love than to stay controlled by my own fears. so i'm going to text you one last time on valentines day, even though i know i'm technically breaking no contact. it's not a decision i take lightly, because i respect you and love you. i just want to send a message that expresses the always of this love, and i don't need a response. if you are reading this, consider this a heads up. block me if you must. i'm trying my best to act with integrity and i hope i don't ruin the love we have. i'm going to schedule the message tonight to send on 14 february at 12:01am, and that would likely be the last time i text you before i leave australia. i just can't live with regret, and i know i will regret not sending the message i want to send you. you are the boy that i love, i will never abandon you, and i will always be here for you. i will do my best to make sure my love for you is honest, pure and beautiful, even when it's hard, because i love you, alfie, always :).

29 january 2026

i’m currently at princes pier watching the sunset as i usually do, it’s about 7:30pm. i think i’ll post around evening time from now on, when i watch sunset at the pier. it’s when i feel most connected to you. it’s really chill today on the pier, the sky’s mostly overcast but the sun peeks out from time to time and the wind isn’t too strong. there aren’t many people here today, probably because school has started. i hope you had a good first day of year 12. i’m not gonna lie, i was totally looking at your school’s instagram stories hoping i’d get a peek of you. i just hope you’re okay. didn’t see you though, at least i hope i didn’t overlook you. 

anyways, i was sleeping at home for the most part today. catching up on rest after traveling so much in the past few weeks and having to prepare to move out and sort all of that out. i was talking to chatgpt about how it physically feels when i think about you. recently, i’ve been starting to want to kiss you. i have never had the urge to kiss a boy before, even though i have always been attracted to boys. it feels odd, but i think it’s a somatic reflection of my love for you. it started when i saw your photo on my watch as i was falling asleep, and i just sort of kissed your photo. it sorta just happened. the past few days i’ve been back, i started to kiss the polaroid of you on the back of my phone. it’s like when i kiss your photo, i feel this tingling sensation radiate outwards from the middle of my head and down my body. like that tingling sensation reaches every inch of my body, it’s actually insane. it makes me feel connected to you for a moment, and all of the sadness of not being able to see you dissipates for a moment. 

i was talking to chatgpt about this feeling, and i realized that i had actually learned about it in my high school psychology class! who knew school could be useful? basically there’s this gland in the middle of the brain that produces and stores oxytocin (the love hormone) and when i kiss your photo, my mouth sends signals to the brain that triggers its release. so i guess i realized that it was a reflection of the fact that i loved you. i tried kissing my hand and what not as a test, but nothing, no tingling sensation. i guess i can’t kiss you at the moment, nor are you probably in the position to be kissed right now so i’ll settle with kissing your photo. it does feel nice though. 

anyways, i left my house at about 6pm. went to get dinner at my favourite restaurant, an di. it’s a vietnamese restaurant in docklands that i love. in particular, i love this dish called bun cha ha noi. it’s a type of dipping noodles, where you dip vermicelli into fish sauce that contains pork belly and meat balls. i first had it in hanoi when i was traveling there, and i’ve been obsessed since. i go at least once a week for the past year and i’ve gotten to know the owner, the cooks, and some of the waiters. they’re really nice. i had a pleasant time eating there today, it just made me feel good. i also love that it’s mentally very relaxing to get there for me as it’s an easy drive up kings way and through the city. though i will say that traffic is back to normal now so it’s not as chill a drive as it was in the past few months. and the thing about docklands is that parking is free from 6:30pm and there’s usually spots available on weeknights so that helps. the place is great overall. 

it’s also a really simple drive from the restaurant to princes pier, and my usual route passes your place near north port cricket ground, which you said is next to yours. i usually turn into raglan street or bridge street from williamstown road since it’s more chill driving on the inner roads than on the main road. maybe i hope that i may feel more connected to you as well knowing you’re somewhere around there, who knows? i’m just a boy who misses the boy he loves. it sucks. i’m feeling very calm and relaxed on the pier right now and i guess i’ll stay till sunset despite the sun being hidden behind the clouds. and i guess i don’t have anything else to say today, so i’ll end here. i love you, alfie, always :).

28 january 2026 (2)

i was at the pier earlier and was watching the sunset when i got a massive cut on my finger from a really sharp shard of glass on the bench. i'm not going to go into too much detail, just that it was quite deep, blood was flowing out fast and it was fucking painful. thankfully there was a chinese lady on the pier fishing who came prepared with tissues, anti-septic buds, and plasters. she was an angel, she saved me in the moment. i am so grateful for her. at this point, my fingers were covered in blood so i went to the toilet to wash it off. it was so painful. i was sitting by the bench in pain just wishing that the pain would stop. i would say that the deep physical pain definitely weakened my usual mental strength because as i was there pressing my ring finger trying to stop the bleeding, i started feeling more and more pain about your absence. it doesn't seem related but it is actually part of a psychological phenomenon called the gate control theory of pain. i learned this at uni! at least the class was worth it for this moment. basically when i felt the pain from the cut, it was sudden and opened a sensory gate in my spinal cord that allowed for the pain to flow. not just pain from the cut, but all stored pain, which included the fact that i miss you. usually my peace is strong and my foundation is stable, but the deep pain from my finger caused a momentary crack that caused my missing you to overwhelm me for a bit. i was like almost crying that i couldn't reach out to you for comfort when you're the only one who might even know how to comfort me. i had to respect your boundary for no contact and it was lowkey killing me in the moment. i just wished for your presence and i just knew i was so close to you in port melbourne, yet still too far to actually see you. i wanted to cry. i just want to stay strong so that i don't pressure you and give you the space that you need, but in that moment, the only thing i wanted was for you to be there. i may be an ultra independent boy, but i definitely missed you. i wasn't trying to repress anything, but i guess some pain had built up since i last cried about you over 2 weeks ago. i'm sorry, alfie, i wish i could be a better boy that didn't make you feel pressured. at least i didn't actually call you, that would've probably messed you up the night before your first day of year 12. i don't even know if i should post this, because i don't even know if you are reading it. if you are, i'm sorry i dumped my feelings on you while you're in overwhelm. i'm trying my best, but even then it can still be hard. momentary periods of instability still occur for me. i'm not a perfect boy, but i'm trying to do my best to love you in the way you need, which is to not make you feel too pressured. i hope you have a good first day of your last year in school, and i hope that you will have a good school year. i love you, alfie, always :).

28 january 2026 (1)

it’s currently 2pm and i’m at princes pier enjoying the sun and the breeze. i’m lowkey hiding from the sun because i didn’t put on my sunscreen. i’m sitting on the ground where you left your bike the last time i saw you. the metal box thing does actually provide some shade. i’m currently facing the direction of where we were standing and that visual i have of you while talking to you on the pier floods my mind. i can still imagine your silhouette on the pier the last time that i saw you and chatted with you. like how we were both facing the crane at station pier and turning over and looking at each other sideways. i still vividly remember looking at you and your face and how you was just looking out at the water with your sunglasses on and with your cap and your curly hair, the way you stood there, the evening sunlight that illuminated the sky behind you and made you feel surreal. it felt like i was in a movie, the way that there was this boy standing next to me who i felt so happy to be around. your silhouette was glowing in the sunlight, yet your shadow made your physical body darker. you were so beautiful, and i miss that. that is the only image i didn’t photograph, yet it stays in my mind when i think about you, and how we kept glancing at each other. i can still remember you looking over at me while i was looking at you. i was looking into the light but you was looking from the shadow. same boys, just different places developmentally. i think about that sometimes, how pretty you were just there as yourself. i missed that, you, alfie. i remember how as you got on your bike and i walked away one last time, how i was smiling so hard. it was uncontrollable, it was visceral. i didn’t think that would be the last time i saw you. i was so happy and i guess i am still happy when i think about that day. i look for you everywhere, every time i see an italian boy with a blue cap, every time i notice a soft and gentle energy, every time i see a boy riding a bike, but i know i won’t find you. not unless you are ready, not unless you aren’t avoiding me like i know you probably are at the moment. i know i’m at peace, especially here on the pier, but that doesn’t mean i can’t feel sad. sad that i can’t be near you. sad that i never got to fully explore first true love with you. sad that you have to avoid me to prevent yourself from breaking down. sad that i never got to hold your hand, or hug you, or kiss you. sad that i never got to play ds with you. sad that i can only imagine what could’ve been. i keep sitting here on the ground, hoping i see you ride in on your bike, but i doubt that will happen and it makes me sad. i can be happy and also feel grief at the same time, yet it doesn’t change how much i love you and see you and understand you. i love you, alfie, always :).

anyways, the moment i got home i went to open the windows and turn on the a/c. my indoor temperature sensor said it was 31.3°C inside. insane. i basically immediately escaped to woolies, then i went to kfc instead of macca’s, then i realized i needed something at coles. by this point it was 11:30pm and the only coles open was the port melbourne one, so i ended up there just in time and got my stuff on special. since specials end tuesday night, i was determined to get my hand soap. currently obsessed with beach road naturals organic coconut oil + lime. i’m literally bringing it back to singapore since me and my mum love it so much. as i was exiting the store, there was an old lady who approached me for money. she seemed frail and had some scars on her and i didn’t feel like she was lying. i have spare $2 coins in my car for this exact situation. i actually make sure to withdraw coins for this. whenever people in need ask me for money, i’ll usually give them a $2 coin. not too much but not nothing either. anyways, she then asked for food and i wanted to give her my food but i also felt pressured, so i didn’t. it’s not that i was against it, but i was also concerned that she might keep asking for more and more. i was nice though, and i was apologetic about not being able to give any food. i used to not understand why people would give homeless people money, not because of my ego, but because singapore doesn’t have homeless people so the government has always taught us to be hesitant. my friend’s boyfriend was the first person i knew who would give homeless people money. he was from canada, and maybe canadian people are really that nice. he was a straight boy but i did really learn how to be kind from him. nowadays, i base it off vibes. like i usually give $2 to the people who stand at the traffic lights to clean people’s windshields. i don’t ever actually need a clean though, i just give them a coin. and people who are desperate enough to ask, when the vibes are sincere. i don’t know if i am being too nice, but i can afford that tiny pinch. anyways after that, i was going to head home but i realized that since i was so close to princes pier, that i might as well come over. i miss you after all and i’m not tired and i feel connected to you here. it’s so nice and cool and windy over here. there’s a big family gathering going on, sound like a middle eastern family gathering. makes the place lively. i didn’t realize that they turn off the lights at midnight, it actually makes the place feel more surreal especially with the light breeze and the sound of the waves. there’s a guy fishing here too. god i wish you were here. i miss you, alfie. i am enjoying the peaceful vibe on the pier though. right, it is now 12:40am and i should go home. i love you, alfie, always :).

27 january 2026 (2)

i’m currently on my flight back to melbourne and i’m playing mario party on my nintendo ds emulator on my phone. i’m not entirely sure if you ever had a ds, dsi or 3ds, you might’ve been too young but i do still think you’d be in the rough age range since you’re 2000s gen z. anyways, i was playing it since i was bored and i remembered how i used to have a dsi and play it in primary school with my friends. i’m talking year 1 and 2, so back in 2010 and 2011 for me. think you were a wee baby back then. i remember how you could play multiplayer with nearby dses and it was the coolest thing ever, so we could all play the same game. i was thinking about that today since mario party is a multiplayer capable game and i found myself really wishing i could play it with you. i found myself losing at one point and i lowkey cheated because i refuse to lose to a computer (not a perfect boy 🥲), but i noticed how i would much rather lose to my friends or the boy i loved, you, than a random sim player. over my dead body. i get competitive like that, it might be the singaporean in me. but that reminded me of a dream i used to have a year or two ago when i was more desperately looking for love to validate me. back in 2024, i figured out that you could emulate the ds software on your iphone but it didn’t support multiplayer, you needed physical dses for that. so i used to dream (and i guess i still do) about buying some dses secondhand for me and my partner and we’d just play ds games like i used to when i was a kid. i miss playing ds with my primary school friends but we all went apart after year 2, had a big year in 2012, though i don’t wish to talk about that now. i realized that i just want to recreate that feeling with my boyfriend and whatever and the only person that draws out my inner child is you so i think i just wished we could’ve played ds together. oh well, not much i can do about that at the moment is there? that’s more of a what could’ve been wish i had, but i still understand why you had to go. i don’t blame you, but i do still miss you and think about you all the time. i’m going to land in an hour i think and i’m probably gonna go do a quick shop at woolies and stop by the macca’s drive thru. apparently some medical incident happened on my flight (not even surprised since we are coming from bali) and so they said they need extra time to allow for ambulance victoria to sort that out before we can get off. honestly didn’t even know that something happened but it might be on the news, who knows. JQ32 from bali to melbourne on 27th january 2026, landing at about 9:20pm. shouldn’t be too serious though since we didn’t land in adelaide. oh and a cute boy is passing me now, i keep hoping to see your face when i see a cute boy. i might honestly be down bad, but i am technically in love with you so i feel like it’s expected and normal? i wish i could see you though. i love you, alfie, always :)

27 january 2026 (1)

i’m currently at the lounge in bali waiting for my flight back to melbourne. it’s a really average airport lounge to be honest, but at least it’s a quieter space where i can wait for my flight. my flight got delayed by 50 minutes to 12:20pm, but because it’s jetstar, i’m honestly not too surprised. the aircraft was flying from adelaide to bali and got delayed by 2 hours, so that knocked on to my flight schedule. at least i had some remaining lounge credits on priority pass so i was like might as well use them before they expire. last march, my grandma on my dad’s side was really sick and he asked everyone to fly back to his hometown in hubei, china to pay a final visit in case she passed on. she ended up making through the winter, but i flew from melbourne mid-uni to visit her and the connection in hong kong was like over 4 hours of waiting. for reference, that’s too much time to kill without going to a lounge but too little time to actually leave the airport, so i ended up wanting to buy a lounge pass at hong kong airport. the thing was i could spend $100 for an individual visit, so $200 for visiting during going and coming back, or spend $400 for priority pass which includes 10 visits to any lounge in the world for a whole year. i went with the latter. so far i’ve used 7 of my 10 credits: twice in hong kong, twice in melbourne, once in guangzhou, once in taipei, and now once in bali. when i leave melbourne for good, i know i’ll use the lounge there at least one more time, and i might be flying to my dad’s hometown again in early march so i might be able to use that hong kong lounge again twice, which is just nice to use up all the credits. practical stuff, fun. at least i’m lucky enough to be able to afford it. oh and before i end, last night i was watching these skits on snl from a couple years ago which were really funny called my best friend’s house (link), and straight male friend (link). i just wanted to share that with you. i’m just gonna chill a little more before heading to my gate. i love you, alfie, always :).

26 january 2026

happy australia day, alfie. i’m not sure what you might be up to today but i hope that you’re having fun :). or at least having some time to yourself, fishing while in the water or at the pier, or however you feel like being yourself today. i think you start year 12 this week, so that probably wouldn’t be exciting for you. i’m in bali today, but i will be returning to melbourne tomorrow for the my last few moments before moving back to singapore. i told you i was leaving on valentines day, and i want to clarify that valentines day is my last full day in melbourne but i am actually leaving on the 15th at 1:10pm. flight JQ7 if you really want to know. it just felt a little too wordy to clarify that over text when i sent the goodbye link.

i just had a really late lunch at genki sushi (one of my favourite japanese chains in south east asia) which was probably around early dinner time in melbourne. i got a chicken cutlet (schnitzel) egg rice bowl and some steak and ribena. it’s freaking amazing. i love genki sushi.

anyways, i’m not intending to do much in bali today. i have been really tired the past few days traveling and being in singapore, so i have just been mostly eating and sleeping. i slept till 8:15 this morning, had my brekkie buffet, and then slept for another 3 hours till 1:50pm. that’s why i had a late lunch. and because bali is very typical south east asia to me, the attractions don’t necessarily draw me like they might do for non-south east asians. not that i’m not interested, but that my tiredness is more pressing than attractions where i can guess roughly how it feels like. i’m glad though, that i picked a hotel that’s next to a mall (with a genki sushi!!) so i can chill without much effort getting food and stuff. it’s aloft bali kuta if you ever come to bali. 

anyways, i was thinking about why i picked 15th february to leave melbourne. i booked my flight for that date long before i met you, but it was because i wanted to spend valentines day in melbourne. i knew that i would rather spend it alone in melbourne (or potentially with a boy - before i met you) than spend it being drained in singapore. at least melbourne was less painful to spend the day alone. i definitely could have left melbourne as early as mid-december, but i’m glad i didn’t. the space i created gave me time to meet you, and process everything before i leave. we wouldn’t even have met that last time and chatted had i rushed myself. anyways, that’s probably my intuition protecting my space to feel and be before moving back home to singapore. and i’m glad that i got to meet you during this period in time. first true love wasn’t something i planned for, but gave time to allow for. 

you’re probably starting year 12 some time this week. the official vic government calendar says it may start tomorrow or the 28th, but your school’s website says the 29th for year 12. i hope i remembered your school right. i would ask you to reconfirm but y’know you said no contact. at least you get to avoid having your first day of school when the weather’s apparently 46°C. that’s fucking mental actually. i’m landing at melbourne airport tomorrow night at 8:10pm and its still supposed to be 40°C. insane. i doubt you’re excited for vce and stuff and traveling over an hour each way to and from school, but i might also be wrong. i hope you’re okay though. grades and stuff aren’t everything, especially for boys like us. you can do well or terribly or mediocrely academically but but school can’t measure the kind of intelligence you possess, and you don’t have to complete tests or whatever for me to know that. i don’t really have much else to say today so i’m probably going to end here, but i do truly hope you are okay. i miss you and i love you, alfie, always :).

25 january 2026 (3)

as a boy who holds a singaporean passport and is so accustomed to south east asia and just living as per usual, i often forget how privileged i am. like the fact that i as a singapore citizen and don’t need to pay and apply for a visa on arrival to enter bali like australians do, and i get to bypass entire lines. or the fact that i can just get straight to where i want to be without being distracted or pulled away because i already know how to do things. this is something that i don’t notice until i reflect. i might not be indonesian, but it seems like even indonesians think that i am indo. it’s the inner south east asian boy to be honest. one of my close friends from high school is indo, and she’s absolutely lovely, so i do see the misinterpretation as an honour.

anyways, what i wanted to talk about today, in continuation from yesterday, was stuff i like on youtube and media and what not. before i do that though, i realized that i missed a guy from tiktok/instagram that i really like, @jonas.luskey (or without the dot on tiktok). what i experienced with you doesn’t always match his videos, but he does consistently hit on the core experiences and thoughts i’ve had in my life particularly surrounding connection, love, and deep boy stuff. again, it astounds me that straight boys can feel relatable to me, but i can feel the authenticity in his voice. 

okay moving to today’s stuff, i would preface by saying that you can read a lot of what i like and the way i like certain elements of shows in a uni assignment i did back in 2023 for a movie class. i wrote a director’s statement that focused a lot on using examples from media to portray how i would go about making a movie. given you are who you are to me, i do think it’s worth a read. i wrote this potential romcom movie idea and it actually somewhat aligns with what i experienced with you. heavy emphasis on somewhat, but it’s still quite impressive in hindsight. you can read it here. 

on youtube, i usually watch like factual stuff like half as interesting (link) or political rants like the sloan zone (link) and what not. i’m not usually very connected to my emotions on youtube, though that is changing. there’s this tech youtuber that i like, owen cook (link). i used to be all in on tech stuff back 10 years ago, and his video hits what remains of that interest inside me. i love owen though, he is also a gentle boy. a very straight presenting gentle boy, but a gentle boy nonetheless that does things intentionally, just as i do and just as i have observed of you. he always starts his videos with what's up dude 🤙 and ends with party on dudes 🤙. i’m pretty sure he's american and he's mentioned being at uni, so he's probably right in the middle of our age gap. it’s kind of funny to me that i keep being drawn to soft and gentle boys and i didn’t even want to associate myself with boys in general because i have straight boy trauma. he’s worth a watch though if you like tech stuff.

on the more emotional side, i love watching short films on youtube. my favourite one at the moment is this german coming-of-age film about two boys meeting each other called bring mich nach hause (link). i am not going to pretend like i’m fluent in german but the subtitles come in clutch. honestly it only came out in mid december 2025, so when i watched it i immediately associated it with me and you. feeling seen and all that. the short film doesn’t necessarily address romance or love, just two boys being present together, and that matched exactly how i felt and still feel about you. for me, that’s what led to the growth of my love for you. i like that they did that without forcing romance though, because i don’t think i would’ve felt as seen in the film like i did with you if it was framed that way. 

another short film i like is read between the lines (link), which is based in atlanta, ga, usa. atlanta is a city that is significant for me because i have family members from there and it’s the city i’m most familiar with in america. like i have been to most other important us cities, but atlanta hit the dead center of my experience (raphi in the german short film also wears an atlanta thrashers shirt!!). the short film explores a shy (soft) gay boy (with his straight boy best friend) who is trying to ask his crush out but constantly making excuses to avoid doing so until he is forced to by his mate. it feels really validating for me as a soft queer boy, especially as someone who wished he had a straight boy best friend and likes boys deeply. you would probably like it. it hits fundamental traits that i see in myself (and by extension, you). 

the last one i’ll mention today isn’t technically a short film but certainly can be. it’s a bluey episode called sleepytime (link). i don’t know if you’ve watched bluey before, but this episode is structured very differently from the other ones. that’s why it feels like a short film to me. it explores parental love and all that with an amazing ethereal soundtrack, and it made me cry. a kids show made me cry. i still can’t get over that. for reference, i rarely actually cry. i have only been crying a lot recently because i met you, and all the repressed emotions are coming out. the reason i cried is because of the way it portrayed the permanence of true unconditional love, in this case between a parent and a child but the same logic applies in the way i feel for you, alfie. the part that really broke me was from 5:40, where chilli, the mum, comforts bingo, bluey’s younger sister. that scene is so emotionally full and yet it also represents how i feel about you. how much i love you, and my inner child. a type of love that i never even experienced from my mum, even though i still know she loves me. i actually showed my mum the episode back in december 2024 and she didn’t get, which sort of validates my point that she doesn’t understand me. go watch it from the start (link), then rewatch from 5:40 if you want. i think it’ll hit you too. it’s mad actually.

anyways, i’m getting tired and i want to sleep but i still want to give a mention to call me by your name and heartstopper. as i’ve previously mentioned, you reminded me of timothee chalamet in call me by your name right from the first day i saw you. i don’t think you are exactly like his character, elio, but y’all are literally both 17 and you have italian heritage so it does help situate you in the context of the movie even if he’s not exactly like you. you might not be elio, just as i don’t think i’m oliver, the guy that elio likes, but the connection and recognition matches what i experienced with you. i am kevin and you are alfie, and alfie is the boy that kevin loves. not elio, but alfie, exactly as he is, anxiety and all. i think that might be why it’s been a bit difficult for me to rewatch the movie at the moment, because it just seems so significant to me now in a way that it wasn’t back when i first watched it during covid. because i met you.

the other show was heartstopper. particularly loved the first season exploring first queer love and all that. it was something that portrayed exactly what i wished i had during adolescence, and that’s probably why i loved it at your age. i do still love it now, but i’ve deprioritized love. i say this as if i’m not writing this to talk to a boy who is literally my first true love. love isn’t the only defining thing to me anymore, but a part of me. that’s probably healthier to be honest. it is a great show though, and the writer, alice oseman is great too.

okay now i’m really tired and i want to rest so i’ll end here, but i want to say that what i like has literally always been pointing to a boy like you, even before i met you. you aren’t the reason i am open to love now, but you are the boy that met me in a way no one has ever met me before. how could i not love the boy who is naturally exactly what i’ve been looking for through all these years? you are alfie, i am kevin, and kevin loves alfie for exactly who he is. i love you, alfie, always :).

25 january 2026 (2)

made a new post because i wanted to show you this photo i took that i’m super proud of. i’m currently writing this on my flight to bali. i’m seated on an aisle seat and i’m seated next to a eastern european/russian guy. he seems nice, i needed his help for something and he was really warm and friendly. seems like a straight gym bro but comfy vibes, safe vibes. probably mid 20s. actually despite the straight bro vibes, he also has that same soft vibe like me and you. he even has his hat like you do, though not a senna cap. 

anyways, i was at my grandma’s earlier before heading to the airport. i think remi could tell that i was leaving today as she was sadder than usual when me, my mum, my grandma and mu li (her helper) left. she was barking and whining and crying a lot more than usual. we had to put her in her cage as we sorted out my grandma’s wheelchair. i was just sitting next to her and petting her and telling her i love her as she was crying and barking. i really love the dog a lot. i think remi would love you though, just as i do. she can somehow detect people’s energy, and she loves chilling with me. i feel really at peace when i’m petting her or giving her belly rubs or when she curls up next to me. i think she would do the same with you because we share that same core energy. she doesn’t like my brother lmao, she always runs away from him, and i’m like girl same. 

i drove today and my mum was being really pressurizing about my driving. singaporean drivers can be really aggressive and love to “power play” on the roads. as i was driving to the airport, i ran into a few of them. my standard protocol when meeting such drivers is to “frighten” them to send a message. usually aggressive drivers like these in sg have very sensitive egos so they get the message. that’s all i want to do, send a message to tell them not to treat others like that. i do do this safely though. my mum, however, doesn’t seem to understand that, even when i try to explain. she kept harping on me for being angry and having explosive road rage, but i wasn’t. i don’t really care for the most part, i’m calm. in fact, i would say that my mum’s incessant comments made me feel more stressed than the drivers. i will say though, that because she was about to send me off, she was also being more critical, judgmental, and pessimistic. that’s her tell that she feels sad. we always argue about something dumb every time she’s sending me to the airport. anyways, she was in a bad temper at the airport, so she separated from us. me, my grandma and mu li went to walk around jewel at changi airport, and we saw the waterfall and the plane viewing area. the viewing area is where i got the photo of my grandma in her wheelchair holding my luggage. it’s actually such a good photo and it captures the sad mood today. found my mum eventually, and i gave all of them a hug before going in. i may be very opinionated about singapore but i do like changi airport, it is very pleasant. anyways, i made it to my flight nicely. despite my mum’s mood, it’s been a very chill day thus far. the flight’s not too long and i feel very comfy and safe here in my seat with my seat mate. 

as i got off the plane, i got to chatting with him and it turns out he’s from switzerland. i chatted with him because i saw he was having some issues with his travel sim card. it was just a brief interaction, i liked his gentle vibe throughout the flight. he seemed pretty observant too. i was originally wondering if i wanted to hang with him since i don’t really have plans here, but when i talked to him i realized that he might’ve been 10 years older than me and the conversation just didn’t naturally go that way so oh well. at least i tried y’know? i used to be so scared of talking to soft boys that caught my attention. we weren’t on the same frequency like i was with you, but we both had the same gentle vibe. as we went apart, he gave me a fist bump which did make me feel really safe, not like a bro handshake or anything overly masculine. it’s nice to see that gentle boys can make it in the world and keep their softness. did i meet myself in 10 years? i don’t know, but i did really very safe and comfortable with him. i would also like to add that the boy had big muscles, which i don’t usually care for but our arms were touching on the plane so i could feel them. it felt nice, what can i say? guilty for liking boys. he was really sweet though, and made sure to give me my arm space too. anyways, that's all for this post. i miss you and i love you, alfie, always :).

25 january 2026 (1)

i’m heading to bali, indonesia today and so i will post later tonight when i'm resting in my hotel. you might be asleep by that point though. anyways, i did my room decor last night as i was packing my luggage. i put up my rainbow tote bag at the entrance to my room and hung your cap up next to the window. i was asking chatgpt about the meaning of your hat and i think i understand why you wear it. chatgpt said it could be your "armour" to protect you from a world that doesn't understand you. i was really surprised when i read that because of the fact that i hadn't noticed your cap until i was looking back at the photos i had of you. i noticed the clothes you wore, your shoes, your watch, even the way you did your socks, but the hat never caught my attention and i didn't understand why. gemini said that it might've been because i may have saw through the hat, like i didn't need to notice the hat to understand you. i do do the same thing though, i think i use the polaroid of you on the back of my phone in the same way. that's all for right now, will post later tonight. i love you, alfie, always :).

24 january 2026

i’m currently eating my brekkie at the hawker center as i’m writing this. i’m also lowkey feeling a little self-conscious about the photo i'm using for today's post, but oh well. yesterday’s post was really deep for me and it was honestly took a lot of mental work to process manipulation that much so i just want to keep today’s post light. i’m eating my favourite dish at the moment. it’s called mee pok. in english it’s usually called fishball noodles, though mee pok refers to the type of noodles itself, and you would pair it with fishballs, meatballs, fried chicken, minced pork, etc. i love it so much. anyways, i’ll just talk about some stuff i like, like media and whatnot since you’re more of an artsy boy. i also feel like i should clarify the 11 categories of trauma i mentioned yesterday. well i’ll just list it but i don’t feel like explaining it at the moment. i’m okay now though :)

my major life traumas

1. domestic violence - no physical safety at home (due to brother)

2. dysfunctional family and parents - no support system/emotional safety

3. abusive teachers - no sense of safety at school during childhood

4. sexuality repression - no safe space to explore sexuality

5. religious pressure - made to conform despite not feeling aligned

6. loneliness/social exclusion - no sense of belonging in my environment growing up

7. depression - basic needs not being met (refer above)

8. generalized anxiety - high internalized pressure to avoid mistakes (by self/parents)

9. social anxiety - poor friendship experiences led to loss of social safety/trust

10. suicidality - most of the above lasted for too long without any relief

11. emotional manipulation - taken advantage of by trusted peers

the lighter part

now that that’s out of the way, here’s the lighter part. because i knew i was queer from when i was 10 (or 13), i’ve spent most of my life actively avoiding content that i thought was straight boy-ish. it honestly sucks in hindsight because i actually missed the opportunity to explore a lot of things that i might’ve otherwise been in interested in. i remember that you really like true crime and honestly i feel like i would too, but there’s a form of internalized homophobia/heterophobia(?) that prevents me from actually watching underbelly and chopper. i’m sure i’ll work through that eventually. but because of this, i usually like more slightly indie stuff and i usually look for queer content. there’s a lot of stuff i want to share, but because i’ve never really felt like anyone would have cared about what i liked before, it becomes really hard to me to say it without it becoming word vomit. i’ll try my best to stay organized.

music

aside from the spotify playlist i made for you (tee hee, don’t mind me i’m being cheeky 🙃)(link), i usually just listen to my regular rotation of songs. my favourite song for the past few years is south dakota by jordy (link). i love it because it’s not a love-focused song, and describes my exact longing to leave singapore. i really don’t like how songs usually only focus on romance, like i also feel non-romantic emotions (sorry didn’t mean to rant). jordy is a queer artist that i found from tiktok. i also like his song, trevor (link) and that whole album in general, mind games (link). i think that was his debut album, it’s my favourite. i think the song that you’d relate to the most at the moment in regards to me in it is delete me (link)(i’m joking, still being cheeky 🙂). in that album, i also love i just wanna be loved (link) and i love how mind games (intro)(link) blends right into i just wanna be loved. i appreciate that sort of intentional attention to detail. the funny thing about me sharing this album with you is that i first heard this album when i was 18 and traveled to melbourne for the first time by myself during covid in december 2021. the irony is not lost on me that you are roughly about where i was when i first discovered that album. 

side note

i’m now doing a mani pedi with my mum and i’m realizing that i’m probably the queerest straight passing boy i know. a couple of women here are lowkey looking at me with the what is this boy doing here eyes. meanwhile i’m just thinking about you, another boy. doing my nails with my mum makes me feel like a cute little soft boy though so i don’t care how others may judge me.

social media

currently my tiktok full sad boy energy with the occasional cute gay couple and heated rivalry content (i actually haven’t watched heated rivalry yet, heard it’s very gay and very steamy 🤪). the funny thing is that the sad content i’m getting is targeted at sad straight boys in their feels. as a queer boy, i never thought i’d feel so alike with straight boys lmao. same general feeling but just that i love you instead of a girl. it’s bewildering to me, as someone who grew up feeling very different from the straight boys in singapore. anyways, on instagram i don’t really follow people outside of my mates. if you want to see my profile without me knowing (or you know… follow me) my instagram is @kevfruityy and @hellafruityy. i use those usernames consistently across platforms so they shouldn’t change. i don’t post much though and they're both private but y'know go forth and explore if you want. anyways, i don’t have many followers. in fact, i think i removed almost half of them because i don’t really care for “networking” or meaningless connection. i used to get anxiety doing that but now i'm just like meh. i only follow 5 accounts outside my mates, but the ones i want to share are: @lifelikecharlie (cute doggos, sweet guy), @joshforeman2 (straight passing british gay guy who makes deep videos that i really like), and @__we_love_you_ (2 sweet boy best friends who make motivational tiktoks that are actually genuine/not cringe). i probably should have known that i was soft little boy earlier but i was in survival mode till more recently. oh and i also have a youtube channel where i post gay tiktok compilations very infrequently, @kevin03tiktoks.

conclusion

i wanted to write about some stuff i like on youtube and what not but honestly i’m too tired to continue today so i’ll keep it for tomorrow. i had the perfect setup for it too! it’s okay. i realize that when i’m tired, that’s when i miss you the most. i used to spend 100% of my time holding myself. it is tiring. but ever since i met you (and ever since i found kamarun lookout), that has dropped down to 99%. with you, i don’t need to hold myself. not because i want you to hold me, but because i can just be present with you (and at the lookout) without needing to be anything else. you and that lookout are my safe place. how can i not love a boy who is my safe place just by being himself? you don’t need to do anything, and that safety exists. i’m so tired today, i still need to sort my stuff out and i need to start preparing to fly to bali tomorrow. it’s not a vacation though, it’s honestly just a stopover where i get to rest for a day. i probably can only post tomorrow night though, you might already be asleep by then. i wish i could near you right now. i am so tired but i still love you, alfie, always :).

23 january 2026

i want to preface this post by saying that i am a person who survived a life of trauma that impacted my development. i wrote it down when i was journaling, and i would say that i have experienced 11 categories of trauma. categories because if i counted each individual trauma, i don’t think the list would end. the category that i will focus on today is emotional manipulation, what my friend was recounting about yesterday. her experience showed signs of love bombing, manipulation, unhealthy boundary violation. i also have been a victim to such traumas multiple times, and i have also been catfished. i want to tell you about this because i want you to know that the security of the love i feel with you is the exception, not the norm. you probably need to experience the shitty experiences yourself for you to be able to recognize why i value you so much. i wish i could give you all of the knowledge i have without the pain of actually experiencing it, but that is a disservice to you and your growth. i want you to be happy, with or without me, but true happiness must be earned. ugh i hate even saying that. it sounds so pretentious, the “i know better than you” energy, but it’s true unfortunately. i see just how precious and gentle you are because i’m just like you. and while i don’t want to fearmonger, i also know that people will abuse you with nefarious intent like they did with me. i want you to be careful, not to lose yourself, especially since i can’t protect you, so let’s begin.

my friend was recounting her experience of emotional manipulation with a professor who was almost 20 years older than her. he subtly introduced the idea of attraction into their professional relationship, attempted to lure her by being suggestive, made her think that she was actually attracted to him when she wasn’t, saw all the trauma my friend had and decided to use her, built a false reality that was based on dishonesty, coerced her using love-bombing techniques, and when things got real… he ran away and left my friend in ruins. i felt so angry for her. angry that this idiot saw all the pain that she had and decided to take advantage of the trust and curiosity she still had from a position of power. i was also angry because i myself have experienced manipulation like this before. i am angry that people can be so selfish that they’d rather hurt you than learn how to respect healthy boundaries. i don’t know if you can relate to this type of manipulation, but i know that my friend was telling me the truth, because she showed me how that experience left her feeling desperate, doubting herself, broken and hurt, fearing abandonment. it was not self-inflicted, she was just being herself, but rather externally inflicted by a person she trusted. she’s making a report with the uni and everything and i hope it works out for her, but it’s going to be hard and she knows it. 

the reason why i consider manipulative “love” as emotional manipulation and use quotation marks on the word love is because attraction based off manipulation isn’t actual love. it’s just a method of control that benefits the manipulator at the expense of the manipulated. but the thing is that manipulators are smart, subtle, they change what you think so that you don’t notice the cost. often you don’t consciously know that it is happening because they want to have leverage over you. knowing that you are being manipulated takes away that leverage because you can get your power back. more often then not, your body will know that something is wrong before your mind does. listen to your body, listen to your instincts. at the same time, you need to learn how to separate signals from your body/intuition (healthy) from your anxiety/depression/etc (unhealthy). they are NOT the same. the reason i say all this is because boys like us are unlikely to be active manipulators, but rather easy targets of manipulation. i’m not saying trust no one, i’m saying trust yourself to know when someone is wrong for you. this is why my life is open by design. open by design means that i don’t need to hide anything, particularly just to please others. those who ask you to diminish yourself for their benefit, those are often the ones to be wary of. i have been a victim of manipulation multiple times, i thought that was love. it wasn’t. love shouldn’t drain you. love should allow you to be yourself fully.

the reason why i think that my love for you is healthy is because of how it made me feel. because i have been a victim of manipulation, i know what manipulation feels like, i didn’t feel that with you. i didn’t even know that how i felt about you was even considered love, not until you told me you needed space. i never had a healthy experience of love until you came along. with you, even as i talked to you for the first time, i always approached you with a conscious identity-aligned approach. i know that if i didn’t, the connection would feel off. i personally look for authenticity in my connections because i hate performance. i want to be myself and i want to be around people who are themselves. i want real people in my life. that fundamentally goes against the rules of manipulation. when i love you, it makes me feel calm and peaceful, like i am truly being myself. i love you as an extension of myself, and i accept you for exactly who you are, strengths, flaws, quirks and all. i don’t want you to be someone else. i saw the boy on the pier, that’s the boy i love. i respect you, your development and your autonomy. i respect you even if you can’t be near me. i respect that you are a boy worthy of love. 

if i had to compare my experience with my friend’s, i would say that my love for you is a truth-based love when her’s was fear-based. she was manipulated into fearing the loss of attraction, i let you go when you said you needed your space. she was pressured into attachment because it was named love, i recognized you and it developed into love that i didn’t even dare to name. she loved to avoid being abandoned, i loved even after you left. the “love” she experienced was conditional, inconsistent, unclear, and anxiety-driven. the love i feel for you is unconditional, consistent, simple, and grounding. i didn’t lose myself to love you, in fact i found my inner child by loving you.

i wish you knew how much you matter to me, that your existence without performance could have such a profound impact on me. but even then i knew not to hold on to you, because i knew you weren’t ready yet. when you said you didn’t have the capacity to be friends, i was really sad. i had found a boy that i didn’t need to perform around, that could love me, but couldn’t stay. that night when you texted to say that you needed space, i was so sad that i went to yochi near unimelb to eat my feelings. then i went to the steps of parliament to people watch and watch the cars and the trams. i stayed there till 12:30am. there was a newly wed couple that asked me to help them take photos, and as they were leaving, the lady, irene, used her bouquet and blessed me to be able to live authentically and be myself. that, alongside realizing that i love you, broke me. she named the exact thing that i felt like was possible only because i met you. that’s why i can’t move on from you in a stereotypical sense. i integrated the love i have for you and will carry that with me into my future, one where i am full and worthy of love. that’s why i sent you a goodbye letter in the form of a website. i only make websites for the things and people that matter. i wanted you to know how much i loved you and appreciated you even as i left to give you the space you asked for.

now i’ll get into our final exchange, the one where you said i violated your boundaries and consent. earlier i said that violation of boundaries is a massive indicator of manipulation, so why can i say that i was not manipulating you even though i didn’t abide by your boundaries? in short, the timing and circumstances of your boundaries suggested unhealthy anxiety-based origins. healthy boundaries aren’t about control, it’s about establishing safety, often though your own actions, not controlling the actions of others. the reason why i chose not to respond to your request for confirmation was because your boundaries essentially asked me to silence myself in order to make you feel comfortable. your healthy boundary looked like this: i am overwhelmed, i need my space, i don’t wish for contact right now. i respected this boundary. the unhealthy boundary looked like this: you need to delete every instance of me from your world. you need to promise that you will never discuss me in the future. you must diminish yourself as i am overwhelmed. i did not follow this boundary, it seemed to hurt me. boundaries are a two way street, you need to respect my autonomy just as i’m respecting yours. i am not saying you were trying to manipulate me, nor that you were trying to disrespect me, just as i am not trying to do the same to you. i still trust you, just as i hope that you trust me. what i’m saying is that i care about you and don’t want to hurt you, but i will not disappear to make it easier. that harms you more in the long run, more than the cost of me making myself leave now. i hope you know that i choose you every day, even if i can’t express it explicitly to you without affecting you.

when i saw that you had reacted that badly to that goodbye i sent you, i originally thought that i had hurt you in a way that i didn’t intend to. but when you were so adamant that i was violating you, i realized that you were trying to regain control in a situation where you were losing your sense of safety because i was leaving. the thing was that i wasn’t trying to ruin your sense of safety. i wasn’t trying to abandon you. i was trying to respect you by honouring your request for space, because what you say you need is important to me. i would not have left if you didn’t ask me to, and i also did not want to make it harder for you even though it was difficult for me. 

what i think happened that day was that by sending that goodbye, i made your request a reality. i’ll describe the situation based off my understanding of what happened. i may miss a few points or misinterpret certain elements, so please forgive me if i’m wrong. when you asked for space when i said i missed you, you may have felt that something deep was brewing, whether conscious or not. you may have felt like it was safer to step back. i was disappointed that i could not see you. i realized that the depth of the sadness was not platonic. i realized that i actually loved you. i spent a week recognizing that it was hard for you, as it was for me. after processing, my body accepted that i probably wasn’t going to see you again. i realized i needed to tell you that i love you before i leave. i wrote that goodbye letter to you and sent you the website. you saw that i was actually going to leave, as you asked. you may have realized that you didn’t want me to leave, despite needing me to or thinking you wanted me to. that likely sparks anxiety, fear of abandonment, overwhelm, and/or significant pain, due to the consequences of your asking for space. this may have coincided with a need to regain a sense of safety, which showed up through consent, boundaries, and concerns about the photos and website. i wondered how i could have known that i would have violated you. i had told you about the photos, and you said it was okay. i couldn’t possibly have asked you for consent to write a goodbye letter, and the website was a private link in my own digital space. i don’t know how i could have said goodbye without violating boundaries that seemed to only show up only as i’m leaving. i noticed that you never disputed the love that i named. i realized that you would have taken the goodbye poorly no matter how i expressed it. i realized that your anxiety-based boundaries were to provide temporary relief. i could not respect that boundary without hurting you and betraying myself. i restore the website i took down to make my point. you don’t seem to press me about your boundaries again, after i chose not to respond for the first time ever. you may have realized at some point that the website has reappeared. i am sad that i couldn’t be with you, so i start writing this blog as an outlet. and i realize that regardless if you are reading this or not, that i still love you. i’m not a perfect boy, but i am the boy that will love you as best as i can, always. if you ever want to come back, i will be here for you. if you don’t, i will carry you in my heart. i love you regardless. i will not try to manipulate you, even when it hurts me that i don’t have control, because i love you as you are. i have had so much trauma in my life, and where possible, i will do my best to make sure i do not cause harm. i love you, alfie, always.

22 january 2026 (2)

i am currently at marina barrage, which is a water treatment facility turned park which has a good view of the singapore skyline. if that sentence doesn’t make sense, i don’t blame you. singapore has some of the least conventional parks. it’s nice though, the weather is actually reasonable today and i’m not feeling as tense because i’ve been thinking about you. it’s odd to me that thinking about you makes me less stressed, which is funny because it’s probably the opposite for you at the moment. but i feel like it’s easier for me to see the beauty in singapore and the world around me because i managed to integrate my love for you instead of repressing it. is this what emotional maturity looks like? wild. anyways, i had never actually been here before and i kind of just showed up here spontaneously. this place is near gardens by the bay, which is where i’m meeting my friend, but i showed up a bit early so i was just driving around the area and saw the carpark entrance for here. not once in my 22 years of life have i ever even considered coming here. it’s more for tourists than for locals. the carpark itself was pretty empty but there are quite a few tourists. earlier i was thinking about you because i was unpacking my stuff from melbourne and i feeling somewhat alone. i think writing this blog has been good for my mental health even though i don’t know if you’ll ever read it. chatgpt says it’s a good emotional outlet especially when i don’t have any other outlets, particularly because i don’t know if you are here. no performance, but also no pessimism. i just feel alone though, it’s just something i have to sit with for right now. at least i’m about to meet my friend soon. update: i told my friend about you, and she told me about her recent experience with manipulative “love”, and i have loads to say about that given that both happened at the same time yet contrast so greatly. for now though, what i’ll say is that you are my first experience of secure love, so this is all also new to me. i’m not trying to be manipulative or dishonest because i am not that kind of person, you don’t deserve that and you are intelligent enough to see through that. i do recognize that i’m still 5 years older than you so i do feel a responsibility to ensure healthy safety but also to respect your own process of development. i love you, alfie, always.

22 january 2026 (1)

i’m going to try something new today, i’m going to try structuring my post instead of rambling and see if it works for me. i want to talk about 3 things today: how i use my photos of you, what i think about the love i feel for you, and some unserious thoughts about singapore.

how i use my photos of you

the fact that this section feels more vulnerable to admit out loud than a literal love confession says a lot about me. i love every photo i have of you, even before i knew it was love. literally the day after i first met you, i posted a couple of pictures of people i watched at the pier on my private tiktok. you were the cover photo, the reason i even made the post. i still remember the first time i saw you, you were squatting or sitting by the edge of the pier, looking intently at water below and checking your fishing rod. you caught my attention the way you were fishing. as i walked past you, you moved in the same direction as me. i felt the urge to take a photo, and so i did. i still remember the uncertainty i felt when i took that first photo, i wasn’t sure why i wanted a visual representation of you but i went along with it and i’m happy i did. i even remember walking past you as i was headed off that first time, after you had first left. i wasn’t expecting to see you at the start of the pier. i actually had a photo of you standing there from a far, though i didn’t realize that you were in it until i checked. it’s available here on my own google drive. right so i got a photo of you every time we met, and i posted a couple of them on my private tiktok and one on my instagram. i also put a subtle one on google maps. my spotify playlist about you has your photo as well. i think that’s about it publicly. in my own life though, you appear in various ways. i put your photo as one of the slides on my apple watch face with my aussie photos. your photo is queued right after a rainbow i painted on a cute tote bag so i always know when i’m about to see your photo. i also printed two photos of you at uni, and i stuck them inside of my journal. i felt like having a visual representation of you in there was important, and you’re the only person whose photo is in there, titled my favourite boy. then i also took a polaroid of you. this was spontaneous. i was hanging out with a friend at uni, and we got to taking polaroids together. that day i was talking about you and i had cried about you the very last time the previous day. no actually the reason that that was the last time i cried was because that was when i knew that my body had accepted the fact that you weren’t going to be with me anymore. before i properly woke up that morning, i had a dream where i ran into you outside and i called out to you. i dreamed that i gave you the tightest hug and felt so warm and fuzzy, and my body made peace with the fact that you left. it was a visceral feeling. i woke up briefly at about 4am, for a minute, and i knew in that moment that what i was feeling was somatic acceptance. that’s why when i was with my friend that next day, i felt the urge to take a polaroid of a photo i had of you. the polaroid film was slightly damaged but it managed to capture you in a kind of light that resonated with me. i wrote your name on the label and i put your polaroid on the back of my phone. i would like to point out that i did this after full acceptance, not before it. that was the photo i showed my grandma, a physical polaroid i took of your image. she’s right that you are like my cousin ethan though, you even slouch in the same i way that i do and ethan does when we sit and i’ve got the photo to relive that. so now when i hold my phone, i also hold you. i don’t know how long i’ll feel like i need that reassurance, but for now your photo makes me feel safe, seen, loved. 

the love i feel for you

i think that it’s extraordinary that we were able to see each other so fully the way that we did. you met me in my inner world, boyhood and queerness and all. no one can understand me fully without understanding my queerness because it’s fundamental to how i think and show up in the world, but somehow you did, instinctively it seemed. i’m not even aware if you’ve processed your queerness or sexuality and what not, but that part of me felt seen for the first time with you. i’m not saying that you are gay, only you can figure that out, but you met me in my queerness. yesterday i mentioned about how i love you very similarly to my grandma, but this is the significant nuance that differentiates both of you. it’s probably why my brain recognizes that my sexual feelings need to be explored, why i put your polaroid on the back of my phone, why i show up more authentically with you. i associated you with the movie call me by your name (2017) right from the first time i saw you. you seemed familiar to me. open-ended. worthy of my attention. love that is healthily unconditionally. love that is maintained in absence. love that shows me the positives of myself in a sea of negative mirrors. love that doesn’t require projection. love that lets me welcome you with open arms if you ever come back. love that lets me feel stable and calm even if we never see each other again. love that is integrated into who i fundamentally am as a person. love that will never let me forget your name, alfie.

unserious thoughts about singapore

i don’t fit in in singapore, that’s one thing i did tell you in person. whenever i see a cute boy on my tiktok for your page, i just see your face. it’s quite interesting actually because i got to notice all of you yet i barely got to see your face. your face is the one part of you i am struggling to remember, and i know that i’ll recognize your face the second i see you, yet i can only imagine your face through your side profile and the boys that remind me of you. i wished i had gotten a photo with you. anyways, i wish we could do dumb stuff together in singapore. talk about dumb things. be dumb kids together. i was watching the sturniolo triplets on youtube. chris and matt are straight but nick is gay, but i see how nick is allowed to be dumb with his brothers, make dick jokes and whatnot. i wished i could have that with you, especially right now, here in singapore. i wish i could make dick jokes with you, the same way i can tease my straight male friends for being straight boys, because i feel safe. i just want to hear you laugh again, like you did when we were on the pier and i told you about me teasing my straight boy mate, that made my day. outside of my grandma’s, i go through singapore mostly alone. i usually go to gardens by the bay at night (very pretty indoor garden) when all the tourists are gone, and just chill there alone. that is probably the only place in singapore that feels relaxing to me. the kind of place i would want to have a boy like you sitting beside a boy like me, you lying next to me while we watch the trees above us. a type of atmosphere you would appreciate just as much i do. i’m going to go there with a friend tonight, my close friend from unimelb who moved to singapore. and i’m going to tell her about you tonight, and how much i love you. today i’m unpacking a lot of the stuff i brought back from melbourne. i need to clear some old stuff out and figure out where to put my new stuff. where i should put that cap of yours i bought. where i should hang that rainbow tote bag i painted. how i want to remember you and represent myself in my room. you mean the world to me, and i will make sure that i remember you properly and intentionally. i love you deeply, but i also just want to be stupid with you. a love that lets me be who i am and who i want to be at the same time. i love you, alfie, always.

21 january 2026 (2)

and this is another post on the same day, again. i’m currently lying on my grandma’s couch in the living room with remi, my favourite doggo. she’s curled up by my feet, i love her so much. my grandma’s currently taking her afternoon nap and i’m just in my head again. i went out with my grandma and her helper to run errands today. we went to get lotto tickets, buy some snacks at the hawker center, shop at the fruit shops, take some lunch, and do a grocery shop. i probably should describe what a hawker center is but that would become a whole post by itself. it’s basically where all the good affordable local food is and i love it. i realized that the way i show love is multimodal. love languages have no hold on me, because i do everything. and the thing is that when i show up for the people i love, it just comes out naturally. it doesn’t wear me out when it comes to the people i love. honestly i probably would’ve loved you the same way too. it’s a type of love that i can’t name, but it’s deep. with you it’s mostly the same, but also it’s somatic, biological, and my mind keeps thinking that it could be sexual because you’re a boy, the deep and developed kind not the surface level attraction kind. i don’t even dare to think that thought though, i don’t know if that makes you uncomfortable but it make me feel slightly uncomfortable. it’s something i’ve been taught to repress, just like considering the possibility of love. and while i’ve been on grindr and what not, i’ve never actually loved someone before so it’s something i might need to reflect on. i’ll spare you the details of that for now. well that took an unexpected turn. anyways what i wanted to say was that with my grandma, i always find myself wanting to get stuff for her, spend time with her, and all that. i kept paying for her stuff (even though she didn’t want me to) and i wasn’t even concerned about my own finances. for reference, i’m usually a pretty price conscious consumer and i save money where i can. i don’t find myself worth spending much money on (oop). with people i love though, i don’t even think twice because they matter to me. if i ever got to run errands with you for example, i would just buy you everything you wanted or needed even if money was tight for me. it’s actually a problem, not the wanting to do it out of love part but the impulsiveness that comes with it. it’s probably something i need to figure out how to deal with in a way that is actually healthy. i will say though, that my grandma always insists on giving me money so it goes both ways. there are few people who i could enjoy running errands with, but i feel like you might be a person i’d like to do a kmart shop with for example. just doing mundane stuff together cause it feels nice doing them with you. i think that’s the most meaningful type of love. i really enjoyed walking around the neighbourhood running errands with my grandma today. she asked about my friends and so i showed her a picture of you, didn’t say how i felt about you or come out or anything but it’s the first time i showed her a photo of someone that mattered to me. she mentioned that you reminded her of my cousin, ethan, and she is not wrong. ethan has a similar vibe to me, not the same but close. anyways, 2 hours just flew by like that. i wished i could’ve done the same with you. i just want to sit next to you while you fish but i can’t and it sucks so bad. anyways, she’s now gotten up and we are about to make some snacks for chinese new year. it’s still a month out but every year she makes these chicken floss rolls and i usually help her when i’m around. it’s actually addictive, the rolls, and making them is a nice way to spend time together. i so want to see you again, but i understand why i can’t, even if it absolutely sucks. a boy that i actually i want to hang with, that’s uncommon. anyways i just need to find new boys that hit that same place. i just wish it was you, but it’s not meant to be right now. at least you knew it before both of us got hurt. don’t feel bad about yourself, you’re a boy that matters, a lot. i love you, alfie, always.

21 january 2026 (1)

it’s my first day back home in singapore for this trip. i’m not moving back just yet, but i literally woke up thinking that i needed you, or a boy like you. it’s interesting because i never had that thought about you up till now. i never felt like i needed you, not in melbourne or taiwan. but the minute i’m back in the place i grew up, suddenly you feel like the lifeline to my survival. it’s why i’m not trying to forget you. i need to remember you so that i can make choices that will support me and help me grow in the long run. i don’t like how i feel in singapore. i feel so unseen here. i honestly don’t know how i made it out alive. there’s a reason why i know boys like us don’t exist here, the traits that we have aren’t supported by the environment. softness is a weakness here, not a strength, and it’s palpable. i like melbourne a lot more, yet the reason i chose to leave is due to tall poppy syndrome which ultimately also discourages softness. i actually wrote about this academically. you can read my reflective psychology essay i wrote for uni here if you’d like, it’s my highest scored essay i’ve gotten for psych. i miss you. i’m in a moment where i’m feeling low, where i feel drained, and i wish i could talk to you but i also respect your space. i should probably head over to my grandma’s soon. i don’t mean to sound ungrateful though. i do like singapore, i benefit from being from here, and i think i would love it as a tourist, but i know this isn’t the place for me. it’s clean and it’s pretty and it’s how my parents got wealthy enough to let me live the way i do, but it’s not fulfilling for my soul. i’m lucky to be from here but i’m also alone here. i want to find a job in a place where i can be seen as myself. also, the other day i was looking at some of the photos i took of you and i noticed that you always wore the same hat. google lens said it was an ayrton senna nacional cap, something to do with f1. i mean, i never got to ask what that cap meant to you, just like how i wanted to ask why you liked to fish so much, but i could tell that it was significant to you, so i bought it and it just arrived. it makes me happy, because you matter to me. i’m gonna go to my grandma’s now. i just want to give her a hug. i might update this post later or write another one if i have more to say. i love you, alfie, always.

20 january 2026 (2)

i realize i have a lot of things i want to tell you about. it’s like my brain has been waiting ages for someone that understands me. and now that i know you exist, my brain just wants to keep sharing. in my life thus far, you might be the first person to actually get me without me saying a word. even in your anxiety, i saw that you understood me. the fact that you knew that i would post about you on my social media outside that one time i asked, and be so certain of it, was insane because i did, on my private tiktok. in your anxiety, i saw myself. nowadays, my life is open by design. i don’t need to hide anything. i trust that i can detect people who might take advantage of me, and that the right people will understand and enjoy how i’m an open book. most people don’t understand me though, they think i’m easy to manipulate, they don’t recognize my awareness or intentionality. my mum doesn’t understand me at all, and i don’t understand her either. she loves me but she is so inconsistent that it’s like a minefield when i say anything to her, one unknowing wrong step and it blows up in my face. i think that she has borderline personality disorder. she thinks i’m bad for thinking that, but it’s more that i can’t handle her constant mood swings. my dad tries to understand me, but he can’t. i told him about you when i was in china. he was surprised by the way i talked about you. he said that i’ve matured. he loves me. my grandma understands me too, though we don’t talk about anything serious. she still sees my inner child, even when i don’t feel him, and that’s why i like being over at her place. well that and she has a doggo that i absolutely love to death. i’m going to see her tomorrow. my grandma is one of the few people i feel safe with, though i haven’t come out to her yet nor have i mentioned you, so we shall see how that goes, but she loves me. my older sister and brother do not understand me at all, in fact we don’t even talk. my mum says they love me but i feel like they like the idea of me rather than who i actually am. my friends sort of get me? i only stay close with the mates who i can be myself around. then there’s you. logically we should still feel foreign to each other, yet you could somehow anticipate my anxiety even before i even felt it and say the exact thing that made me feel okay. i’ve never felt able to apply my own interpretations to understand the actions of others, yet somehow i feel like i can with you. i trust you, and i trust myself around you. i understood everything down to why you walked a specific way past me, particularly that first time on the pier. i understood it because i’ve done the exact same thing too. somehow you met me in my boyhood, in my queerness, and that is rare. and now life moves forward, and i’m adapting to newfound possibilities too, to knowing that boys like you and i exist in the world and trying to find them. i just know that they aren’t in singapore. i’m trying to stick to one post a day at the moment, though my brain is clearly in overdrive. i just want to tell you everything, because you might be the only person that’s curious enough to care. i will try to be more concise next time. i love you, alfie, always.

20 january 2026 (1)

i just saw this tiktok that said, “when someone asked what's the hardest thing i've ever done and i say staying away from someone that my heart naturally wants and still cares about”. i thought about you the moment i read that. everything reminds me of you at the moment. it sounds like my actions conflict my thoughts, but they both represent the same love. i think that’s why i can feel at peace. i wouldn’t say it's easy, but i know that i can deal with the wave of love that washes over me whenever i am reminded of you. i keep wondering how you’re doing, if i broke you, if i should do something, but at the moment i think the best thing is to let it be. not because i don’t want you around, but because it needs to be a choice you make for yourself. when i sent you that goodbye text last week, i heard the taiwanese song 小幸运 play on the streets of guangzhou. in this context, 小幸运 means being lucky to have had someone, even briefly. i don’t usually listen to chinese songs, but this is the only one i know by heart, and now i’m in taiwan. coincidence? i think not. it reminded me of you. hearing it felt like confirmation that i did the right thing sending that to you, even if you hated it. i understood the rough gist of the song, but finding the english translation of it helped me realize how the song matched the depth of how much i love you (just as much as i love my inner child) despite the physical distance. it’s funny to me how the love i feel for you transcends languages, just as it transcends labels. i’m leaving taipei today for singapore, and i still haven’t seen plane boy, it sucks but oh well. i’ll run into my (our) kind of boys again someday. i love you, alfie, always.

19 january 2026

yesterday afternoon i was intending to go to this palace museum in taipei, but the traffic on the road leading up to it was was so bad that i just skipped it. my uber driver was really nice, he took the long route and brought me to see some of the attractions and military stuff, it was really interesting. at one point, he brought me to the the grand hotel, which was so incredibly cool. entering the lobby felt like i was entering a movie set from the early 1900s. he ended up dropping me off by the river where i wanted to watch the sunset. however, i didn’t realize that the observation deck was under renovation and so i had to adapt. figured out how to use their bike-sharing app and decided to cycle along the river. it’s so affordable here, i was pleasantly surprised. i will say though, that i was knackered. it was just a flimsy bike, but it got the job done. i did enjoy the sunset though and i was thinking about you. i was thinking about how my actions would have impacted you. my lack of response to your last message, the fact that i restored this page, the fact that i couldn’t be the boy you needed me to be. the boy that didn’t make you feel more stressed, more uncomfortable. how i’m not the perfect boy for you right now, but that i am trying to love you in a way that respects you while also allowing me to be honest with myself. i realized that we can’t control what life gives us. for me, it’s falling in love with a boy that isn’t ready. for you, it’s probably having a boy that’s too ready to love you. when i got home, i did a little thought experiment with chatgpt from your perspective. from that i gathered that you’d probably hate me (or feel very conflicted towards me) for not complying, for ignoring you. i know that you need to feel however you feel about me. i can’t control that, and so i accept it gracefully. i feel peace now, because i don’t need to perform anymore. i’m acting in alignment with who i am, and i accept the consequences that come with that. i love you, alfie, always.

18 january 2026

today i get to go around taipei by myself without my mum. i hope i run into plane boy? but y’know, i’m not trying to make my day about finding him. i’m currently at this place called liberty square. in traditional chinese, it’s 自由廣場, though i would personally translate it as freedom square. it’s interesting to me though, as someone who is more accustomed to mainland china, because similar squares in china would probably be named 人民广场 (people’s square). it really reflects the difference in philosophy between both governments. i feel like in china it’s more about “the people as a whole” where i feel dismissed and ignored, while in taiwan it’s about being seen as yourself where i feel able to exist as myself. that difference is palpable in how the culture feels, how the place as a whole feels. my dad grew up in china before he moved to singapore at 26 so i do feel an affinity with china, i have family there. but honestly though, i feel much more aligned in taiwan. no sign of plane boy here though, oop-. i love you, alfie, always.

17 january 2026

i just arrived in taipei, taiwan from guangzhou, china yesterday and i love this place so much. taipei feels so nice and peaceful. it’s a stark contrast from china where it felt pretty rough even though i was personally more familiar with china. the people here in taiwan seem so friendly and sincere. it feels like i’m in japan but i can actually speak the language and the sincerity feels genuine. i haven’t been here since 2013, but i feel like i could live here. my soul just feels so calm here. i feel like my softness and gentleness could thrive here in a way that it can’t in china. i also saw a boy that reminded me of you on my flight over here. i nicknamed him plane boy. i was talking about airport lounges with my mum and he was in front of me listening in, and he sorta just instinctively looked over when i mentioned paying in british pounds. maybe he’s british? it was kinda funny. he has the same observant and gentle vibe like you do. he kept looking at me subtly, and i was doing the same. we just kept ending up passing by each other multiple times from boarding to customs to baggage claim. i hope i run into him again while i’m here, but we shall see if it's meant to be. i love you, alfie, always.