the proposal

3 february 2026 (1)

today i'm on a day trip to my favourite town in all of victoria, daylesford. i love daylesford a whole lot, and i'm really sad that this will be my last time here in a really long time. my favourite places are wombat hill botanic gardens and lavandula. i try my best to come here at least once a month,  though recently it's been more like every 2 months. i love the vibes in this town, i mean it is victoria's gayest town for a reason, and i've explored basically every nook and cranny in this town yet i still keep coming back. something about this town relaxes me, the weather is generally nice and comfy like today, and the views and places are great all around. i have been visiting this area regularly since 2023, when i started uni, and i still love this place as much now as i did back then. i just enjoy daylesford. i'm now chilling at wombat hill but i'm going to head to lavandula in a sec. today i have a proposal to make to you if you are reading, and i'll write about that when i'm at lavandula. 

now i am at lavandula and when i'm at lavandula, i always get the lavander scone. it's so good. i do replace the cream with butter though because i can't have lactose otherwise i explode like a gas bomb (yay). anyways, this morning i was watching this video (link) and i thought of both of us actually, basically wishing how the people we love and are loved by would stay, even when things are hard. i thought about how when i was growing up, i never had someone who knew how to make me feel safe. hell, most of the time, what they said made me feel worse, more excluded, even when that was not necessarily their intention. i realize that right now, you are where i was, and that i have an opportunity to correct that, for both of us. for me, this is a corrective experience to help heal my inner child. and for you, maybe you don't have to go through everything all alone? i'm not looking for a relationship right now, and in my goodbye letter, i also said that i also need my space to figure out who i am when i am allowed to love and be loved. i am also in a moment of major life transition and all that, and that compromises my ability to be the kind of partner i wish to be, someone who is fully present. but when i texted you on 3 january and said that i wanted to meet you where you were, i meant it. my capacity is more than yours, but it's currently spread out over a whole range of big things. i can't speak for you, but i really don't want no contact and i feel like you don't want that either, but you likely find it necessary to prevent getting overwhelmed. if you are reading this, what i'm trying to say is that i don't want typicial relationship stuff, i am not a typical boy and neither are you. most societally expected relationship milestones are performances, facades to signify love, and i believe that there is where the pressure of relationships come from, not just for you, but for most people. some relationship rituals are cringe precisely because they are fake bullshit, and i know you can call out bullshit. for me, i need my space but i also want my pier boy. i know i say big words like that i love you always, but i'm not trying to lock you into a never-ending contract. it's more that the love is now fundamentally built into me so i can say that it will exist regardless of time. i still don't know if you are reading this, but this is the part where i put myself out there and risk myself getting hurt or disappointed, but i want to talk to you again. what we had on the pier was great, and it was chill and non-pressurizing and we got to just be present. that is what i am looking for at the moment, regardless of whether i am here in melbourne, or singapore, or in any other part of the world i might be in. i don't want to lose myself, nor do i want to lose you. and as i say this, i also acknowledge that this does not mean ignoring the fact that the feelings are intense (because they are), or that you truly may not have the capacity for talking like we did on the pier. but if there's an opportunity that this is possible, i want to meet you where you can. i don't want to abandon myself by disallowing myself to be open to the possibility of loving the boy that i love, and i don't want you to feel pressured to make me happy at your own expense. i love you and i care about your safety and well-being. all i am saying is if there is a chance that we can grow together, please don't push me away. only you can assess and decide that for yourself though. what i'm proposing is like facetime one night a week (like saturday nights) or something like that, the same frequency that we naturally met each other when we were on the pier. i just miss you so much and i don't want to regret not trying. i don't want to cut you out of my life. if you do want to talk and you have the capacity for that, please tell me because i don't want to push you. anyways, i need to get back to strolling at lavandula so i will end here. since it is my last time here, i want to fully enjoy it one last time (even if the flies are trying their best to torment me). if you are reading this, please think about my proposal. i love you, alfie, always :).

4 february 2026 (2)

i have been really mentally exhausted over the past few weeks processing my feelings for you, my move back to singapore, travelling around, and all the day-to-day life events. today, i have basically just been lying on my bed all day and i might only step out to catch the sunset. i think that this is a really good reminder to check to make sure that i am not overextending myself as i face a life transition while also having made you that weekly facetime call proposal. as i told you in that proposal, i am not currently looking for a relationship because my capacity is currently spread over multiple major things. this impacts my ability to be the kind of partner i wish to be, someone who is fully present and loves honestly. i realize that if i strain myself, especially in regards to you, i risk introducing resentment into the love i feel for you. and because i care about you and your well-being, i want to make sure that resentment does not occur since that will inevitably lead to negative consequences for the both of us. because i do not have access to your current emotional state and i am basically talking to myself (since i don't know if you are reading), i'm realizing that i need to consciously consider the consequences of my actions in order to preserve the purity of the love i have for you. this approach is dynamic and adapts with new information from my internal state and if you should choose to disclose your own data.

as i mentioned last week, i am intending to send you a text at 12:01am on valentines day. it is scheduled and ready to send when the time comes. this is in combination to the proposal i set out to you yesterday about growing together through contact via facetime one night a week, and the continuation of this blog. right now as i am leaving melbourne, all of the processing is occurring concurrently, and i have accepted and expected that this period of time will be mentally exhausting to me. however, when i do in fact move back to singapore, i will have pressure from my family and my environment that will also impact my capacity. so i need to adjust the method i am approaching my love for you to account for the change. for the valentines day message and the proposal, i have ensured that those are well within my capacity to commit to regardless of my circumstances. one weekly nighttime facetime is quite okay for me if you accept the proposal. however, the time that i spend thinking about you and processing my feelings for you will need to reduce, and that would directly impact this blog. as i have already spent almost 3 months processing since i've met you, and for the most part i have fully integrated my love for you and what i have learned into my identity and way of life, i can soon reduce that load to make way for other forms of growth that will show up as they come. this means that i will reduce the frequency and amount of content i post on here when i leave australia on 15 february 2026. this will mean i will post something more proper weekly, and just maybe post pics every day or two. and because i do not know where you are mentally and i cannot assess that without projecting or guessing, i have to adjust for reality. as much as i hope you are reading this, i don't actually know if you are, and so i need to account for how that makes me feel so that i do not feel resentment towards you by making the expression of my love for you more sustainable especially when accounting for the fact that this may stay a one-way street even though the love was mutual. i am deeply committed to the always, which is why i want to make sure my love stays healthily strong for you even as i acknowledge the possibility that i may truly be alone in this connection for a long time. you are the boy that i love, and so i want to make sure that everytime i express that love, i do so fully and honestly, because you deserve that. i also recognize that i deserve that myself as well, and so the best way i can love myself is to account for my own needs to feel cared for too. that is what will make the love i have for you sustainable, particularly in the absence of information from you and the possibility that you don't take up my proposal or wish to talk to me ever again. i guess this is me being a big boy caring for my inner child as much as i care about you, so yeah. i am trying to create a space where we both get to just be two boys in this world as ourselves, and where you get to observe my life and my signal through the content i share with you here.

in conclusion, i would love to grow together with you, as i have already proposed, explained, and vetted. however, in the absence of further information from you and accounting for changing contexts and sustainability, i will have to soon step back slightly. you still get full access to me, especially if you are able to accept that proposal, and i get more space to deal with anything that comes up in my future. i will not abandon you and i will always be here for you, alfie. you have my word. feel free to reach out to me whenever you are ready, be it on valentines day after i text you, or any other time before or after that. i love you, alfie. kevin loves alfie, always :).

ps. the sunset tonight was really pretty and i wish i could've been hanging with you. i love you, alfie, always :).

5 february 2026 (2)

hey alfie :), i have been cleaning out my drawers today and i found a lot of stuff i made from 2023 when i was first learning how to be comfortable with boys. i used to like making word art and dreaming about having a boyfriend and all that and it's cool to look back at it today. i was looking at a lot of my therapy work from back then and i realized that i am stable and consistent and able to love you unconditionally because of all the hard work i put in back then to grow. i'm not sure how clear the text is in the photo below but in these notes i was working through how to feel comfortable around straight boys. alongside that, i was working on understanding my goals and values in life around love, work, play, and health. this is part of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). what is most important to point out in those notes is the fact that back then, i felt that i was acting very inconsistently with my values when it came to relationships, and that i felt afraid and unprepared for romantic relationships because i feared feeling close to someone and trusting them. i know your fears and i see it in the actions you have chosen.

i worked so hard to be able to find my own kind of boys and to be open to being loved and honestly i don't always consciously keep in mind just how hard and painful and isolating that experience was for me. i made so many mistakes to become the boy that i am today, the boy that can be so certain that he loves alfie. i wish to say that the hope i feel when loving you was earned, earned through the experience of so much pain, despair and loneliness. that's why i can say that i understand where you are right now fully. when i was 17, i was feeling suicidal. that's why the singaporean army exempted me, an unbelievable feat for most. i didn't have a boy that understood me, and i can say that all the hard work i put in was worth it to meet you. you are one of the rare boys i understand because i have been exactly in your shoes. i fully understand your hiding and avoidance and maybe you also know that i do. i have felt all of that, alongside desperately hoping for a partner as well.