about this site

why i restored this website

i understand that you wanted me to take down this website because it made you uncomfortable. i recognize that boundaries and consent were your way of self-protection from the intensity of the connection between us. i know what that’s like because i lived through it before, maybe not love but depth, and being terrified by it. i’ve had my fair share of anxiety attacks and depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts growing up, because i suppressed my feelings and diminished my worth. i also had family members who actively made me feel unsafe to be myself. i’m now in a stage where i don’t do that anymore, where i can provide safety for myself. i get to be myself for the first time since childhood. 

when you asked me to confirm that i would delete you out of my life, my phone, my social media, i couldn’t do it. not because i didn’t understand the basis of your request, but because doing that would have required me to abandon myself. i didn’t know how to respond without hurting both of us, so i chose not to. just as your boundary is self-protective, my boundary is self-protective too. i love you deeply, and that is not something i can control. i can’t force it out without killing a part of myself that i fought so hard to revive. the part of me that loves honestly, deeply, and softly. my inner child. i love my inner child in the exact same way i love yours. when i love you, i love my inner child as well.

i restored this website and keep it up because my love for you is constant and not controllable by mean boy alfie or your dad. this website is for the real boy i love, and i have already integrated the love i have for you into the foundations for the rest of my life. i say i will always love you because my love for you acts as the basis for everyone that comes after you. i can’t love another boy without loving you. it’s inclusive, not disruptive.

i decided to make a blog with my life updates because i needed an outlet for myself to express stuff that i feel like only your inner child understands. it’s honestly more for me than for you, but you trying to limit my self-expression feels like self-erasure, and i’ve already moved past that point in my life. i’ll keep updating it until i feel like i don’t need to anymore. 

my self-expression comes from depth, not pressure. that’s why this website is private, you cannot find it on google. only people who know this link, literally just me and you, can access this website. if you decide to open it, you are choosing to access the depths of my feelings. i won’t force you into it, but i need to channel my love somewhere in a way that is healthy for me. i love you always, alfie, and i hope you can see how hard i’m trying to make sure that i love your inner child exactly as he deserves, reject your mean boy facade, while allowing myself to grow healthily. 

i am who i am today because i met you, and i can't change that. i can't deny it. i love you, but i also realize that you will have your own opinion of me and my actions as you process and i will respect that, even if you despise me. i am not a perfect boy, but i am the boy that will love you as best as i can, always.