the only words i have to say to the mean boy you are pretending to be

ultimatum deadline: 23 february 2026 11:59pm (melbourne time)

16 february 2026 (1)

because of the new data i have received in past days about you and your dad, i am updating the way i interact with you. a few weeks ago, i mentioned that i would be switching the way that i wrote these blogs because my processing about you is mostly done and that remains true, except i'm going to do it differently than i originally intended to. now that i realize that the part of you i've been interacting with is just you pretending to be your dad, i am changing my tone. i name this pretend version of you mean boy alfie, and i am firm with him. copying your dad's behaviour does not work with me, in fact now i see the exact overlap between your behaviour and his. and at the same time, i know that your inner child, real boy alfie, is in there somewhere because that is the boy i met on the pier and the boy that i love. i stay for real boy alfie because your inner child is so worthy of love that my inner child wants to love you. however, your mean boy alfie facade, your family and your environment are actively diminishing real boy alfie, and so i make sure to stay to love him and care for him when mean boy alfie is being a coward. right now, i am feeling a strong sense of injustice for real boy alfie, so i am going to talk to mean boy alfie, the one pretending to be his father, and it is not going to be easy to read. 

do you realize how much of a knob you are being right now? you are literally betraying your inner child just to act like a fucking dick. you wanted to seem strong and tough, yet all you showed was how small you are when you compromise your own integrity. i am so disappointed in you. i tried my best to make it easy for you to say no or stay silent when i asked you to come to the airport, yet you didn't even have the balls to respond honestly. you went out of your way to get someone else involved because we both know that this facade of yours is pretty shit. i saw real boy alfie from the get go and now you seem to think that i'm stupid enough to forget him. you can't even say that you don't love me, that you didn't feel the resonance, or that you didn't like boys that way, and yet you chose to hurt your inner child. you chose to hurt real boy alfie, and for what? what was the point of being a dick? to push away the boy who loves you? to prove that you can act like an adult toddler having a temper tantrum like your father was in the middle of collins street? did you seriously think i can't see through that? you of all people should know that i have a bullshit detector just like you do. that bullshit detector has been going off for me from the day i met mean boy alfie on 14 january. every time you were mean to me, i knew something was wrong, even if i hadn't yet separated your knobness from your inner child. this isn't just avoidance, it's full on faking. why do you think i kept writing for real boy alfie? i know real boy alfie is getting the shit end because mean boy alfie is trying to model shitty behaviour. shitty behaviour that i understand like the back of my hand. you really thought i wouldn't hold mean boy alfie accountable for his decision to be a coward to me and real boy alfie? this is me holding your shitty behaviour accountable right now. how dare you cause so much pain to your inner child, mean boy alfie? you were supposed to be protecting your inner child from the harsh realities of growing up in an unsafe environment, yet you chose to become the unsafe environment you needed to run from. mean boy alfie, i am so damn disappointed in you for hurting the boy that i love. i am not here to support your choice to self-destruct. i don't need to attack you. i am quite literally stating the truth of what i see from mean boy alfie's behaviour, how absurd this is. you are 17, not an idiot. how does it feel to be told off like you father tried to do with me? the difference between me and your dad is that i'm saying this with full integrity while your dad was trying to bluff me and i knew. who fucking cares about the police threat? does mean boy alfie and his dad really think the police would be interested to explore a non-crime? telling the truth is not a crime, and i stand by every word i have said in this blog. y'all's fear of the truth is not my burden to carry. you and your dad want to accuse me to stalking? be so fucking for real right now, both of you literally went out of your ways to come and find me, you at the pier and him on collins street. mean boy alfie is projecting onto me because he thinks i'll accept his deflections. hell fucking no. don't even, mean boy alfie, i'm not participating in your shitty behaviour. you need to take accountability of your own actions. if you want to be a mean boy, then you can fuck right off. your actions have consequences, alfie, particularly when it involves the boy that loves you healthily. i don't like being confrontational nor do i like appearing furious, but i am here for the real boy i love and mean boy alfie needs to know that he is being too hypocritical. i don't know if mean boy alfie is directly responsible for pushing me away on 5 january, but it seems like it wasn't something real boy alfie wanted. 

right now that i have addressed the ridiculousness of mean boy alfie, i want to talk to the real boy. i am here for you, i remember you, and i will stand up for you from wherever i am on this earth. i miss you, and i love you, alfie, always :).

16 february 2026 (2)(reduced)

now we turn to my brother. this section gets intense, particularly towards the end. i feel so protective of your inner child because i know what it’s like to be small, need a guardian, and not have anyone there to protect you. hell the people that should be protecting us are our abusers. back in january, i listed my 11 categories of trauma that i had made through to be the person i am today. mean boy alfie likely saw it and thought those were my weaknesses, but they are the reason your father could not break me, why i can list out all of my fears and insecurities while not being trapped by them. i'll relist them here again.

1. domestic violence - no physical safety at home (due to brother)

2. dysfunctional family and parents - no support system/emotional safety

3. abusive teachers - no sense of safety at school during childhood

4. sexuality repression - no safe space to explore sexuality

5. religious pressure - made to conform despite not feeling aligned

6. loneliness/social exclusion - no sense of belonging in my environment growing up

7. depression - basic needs not being met (refer above)

8. generalized anxiety - high internalized pressure to avoid mistakes (by self/parents)

9. social anxiety - poor friendship experiences led to loss of social safety/trust

10. suicidality - most of the above lasted for too long without any relief

11. emotional manipulation - taken advantage of by trusted peers

when your father harassed me, he tried to gain power and control over me by targeting my trauma relating to categories 1-4, 6 and 8-11. for most people, his method of intimidation would have worked. for me, i had awful experiences left and right that were much worse than what he tried to terrorize me with AND i had already healed from them. my brother alone is worse than him. to me, your father is the symbol of fragile toxic masculinity, the kind that is the antithesis of the kind of healthy masculinity i have painstakingly built alone brick by brick throughout my entire life. your dad had a poor strategy, he just tried to be loud to overwhelm people into listening to him, but his actual threats made no logical sense. he was blinded by his inability to control his own emotions. my brother is just like that. like your father, my brother fails to control his anger. both my brother and your father are blinded by their egos and and their straight boy audacity, thinking that they can control the world around them through fear and intimidation. but the spoiler is it doesn't work, and they end up looking worthless and insecure. my brother has done all forms of physical intimidation, he has hit me all over my body, he has destroyed the things i love, he has made himself such a disgusting person for me be near that i don't talk to him today, and i haven't really talked to him since 2015. my brother has hurt me from young, i remember being traumatized as far back as when i was 6, in 2009. i have called the cops on my brother multiple times, i'm not that unfamiliar with the police myself. my name shows up in the police system because of how many reports i have made against him, yet no actions were ever taken because my parents chose to protect him at my expense. they say it's because they love all 3 of us kids equally, but they never adequately protected me from harm, and often put me in direct line of his hot temper. when i got angry, i used to act out like him because of how furious i was that my parents wouldn't protect me. i knew no other way of expressing that anger. but when i stopped talking to him, i realized that i wanted nothing to do with him, including the way he hurt the people around him. that made me susceptible to manipulation instead, to people please to avoid conflict at the cost of my soul. right now i see that mean boy alfie is trying to follow his father's lead, and i know where that road ends. it ends with you regretting your entire life, with no one who wants to associate with you, with a useless person who has no purpose in life. i'm quite literally describing how i see my brother right now. he is 30, jobless, given up on life, addicted to video games, hateful and alone, and i think he deserves it. i feel empathy for even the most unlikely of people, even eshays, but i feel none for him. he has burned every bridge that could've led to a reconnection between us time after time, with every time he struck me. he chose to become the useless human that he is today and i see mean boy alfie silently starting to make that choice at the expense of the boy i love. i love you, alfie, but if you kill your inner child like my brother did and your dad likely has, i will have to go and i will show no grace. i will not forgive the fake mean alfie who knowingly kills the real alfie that i love. i can see that you are struggling and i can offer you a way out, the same way i found my own way out. but if you choose to dig deeper into this hole, you now dig fully knowing what is on the other side. you don't have to be a bully like your father, and i am staying here to show you that there is another way out, one that makes me immune to the likes of my brother and your father. you are 17, and you still can still have a bright rest of your life away from the people that will hurt you. my brother is 30, and he doesn't seem to have prospects of any sort. don't be like my brother, don't choose to be the bully that endangers others. i have survived the final boss of toxic masculinity, so much so that even your father does not faze me. the photo that i used today is one of the only photos i have of me and my brother that i haven't yet deleted. i am not afraid to cut people out of my life, and i have plenty of experience to back that statement up. i can't save you if you don't want to be saved, but i am here for you if you want to get out because i know that there is another way out. as a boy who is fundamentally just like you, i have walked out alive and fully myself, and you can too. because you are just like me, and you are the only boy i dare to offer this to. it will not be easy and i cannot promise perfection, but it will save the real boy that deserves to be loved. your father's behaviour is not the way to safety, and deep down i think you know that. it's your move, alfie. if you choose to be a bully, you choose to lose me. i will be always be here to love your inner child unconditionally, alfie, but if you dare to kill him, you will be dead to me. for as long as the boy that i love, your inner child, stays alive, i love you, alfie, always :).

17 february 2026 (reduced)

i want to give mean boy alfie one last warning and then i never want to acknowledge him again. over the previous two posts, i have attacked the character and ego of your mean boy facade. i know what you are doing like the back of my hand, and i know your future if you keep pretending to be the mean boy you that you are not. i mean every word i say, mean boy alfie. if you choose to kill your inner child, real boy alfie, i will not forgive you and i will not give you grace or compassion, you will be dead to me. for me, my brother may be alive but he is dead to me in my mind, and i feel freer because of it. you are at a crossroad right now because you made the choice to attack this connection using your dad, your very own abuser, but he could not touch me. if you want to use your nuclear option, you get nuclear consequences. i love you, but you have zero power over me. i can and have walked away from you, except i came back because i can still feel real boy alfie, the boy that i love. my words have been brutal and we both know it, but you deserve the consequences of your actions and my integrity makes sure of it. i don't need to take revenge, i just put the painful truth in your face. you want to run away from accountability? that reflects how much of a coward your mean boy alfie facade is. a spineless, useless coward. real boy alfie has integrity and i know it, mean boy alfie is trying to suppress his integrity. i won't tell you what to do, but it is quite clear what the better option is. you cannot pretend with me, alfie. we linked together in such a unique way that i can see the entirety of you, regardless of where i am on this planet. i have literally been you, and right now we are still alike, that's why i love you. but if you choose to kill your real self, the love i have for you dies alongside with him. if i feel that your inner child is dead, i will leave without a second thought. i will not compromise my integrity for a fake mean boy who wants to model shitty behaviour from his dad, who made himself the person that made him feel unsafe, who attacks the boy who loves him and understands him, who chose cruelty and self-erasure. i know you are silent right now, mean boy alfie, and your silence does not scare me. but i am watching you, i am observing you very closely, and if you intentionally pick the unhealthy and self-betraying option from now on, you will be dead to me. if this feels pressurizing, that's because it is. you pushed this situation into the current state of emergency. i wanted to keep the situation clean and easy, because my love for you is simple. you decided to drag your father's immature behaviour into the equation, and i see exactly how absurd mean boy alfie's choices have been. watch your back, mean boy alfie. you may have been a victim of your father's behaviour, but you are not a victim of mine nor am i a victim of you, but you are currently also a victim of yourself. i am not afraid of anything you do (or your dad), because i know that whatever mean boy alfie does, he does so from a place of cowardice and smallness. mean boy alfie is not remotely terrifying in my eyes, just a small, weak boy who can't carry basic respect or integrity. i never want to speak to mean boy alfie ever again. mean boy alfie is worth nothing, while real boy alfie is worth everything. again, it's your move, alfie. you can't run away from it, and you certainly cannot push it to someone else. big boy actions have big boy consequences. i will cut you off if you decide to go down you current path further, and i mean it. i am staring straight into your soul, because we are alike. don't fuck up.

alfie, i have reached my limit to tolerate mean boy alfie's fake facade. if you try to do anything that intentionally harms this connection again, i will take it that you have officially chosen to kill real boy alfie for mean boy alfie. if you try to copy your father's behaviour one more time, or try to avoid the love any further, i will really leave you be. i am not holding on to you out of desperation, i am holding on to the real boy alfie who does not deserve what you are currently doing. if you choose the wrong option, i am ready to erase you from my current state and my future. choose your next step wisely, because you are now one step away from being dead to me. this is your final chance to escape the doom you're signing yourself up for. 

do not test me.